Talking Bush Jr. doll!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Oh my god do I want to leave work now.

Alright, I'm seeing it enough to start counting, plus it's like a little game.

Spot the Typo 1: (AP) Reubens Case
Spot the Typo 2: (Reuters) Kasparov Vs Deep Junior

About the whole Kasparov/Deep Juniot chess competition: Isn't there a point at which the computer can calculate any and all possible moves, and the moves to counter them? In other words: Isn't there a point where DJ will become impossible to defeat?

I think so, and I think it doesn't matter. Some people just love impossible challenges. For instance, one of the designers at work recently asked us to try out one of the levels to see if we, as professional gamers, could finish it. Of course we had to have a little competition to see who could finish it first.We could not. Later, the designer told us that the level was, in fact, impossible. This did not stop us from trying to finish it. We would always die at the same place (if we made it that far), and then try again. For me personally, it is because, like Steve Martin, I try to do at least one thing every day that is impossible.

An amusing anecdote which I somehow did not mention because I forgot. Now that it's no longer the "cool thing" to do to discuss airport security and reveal person nail clipper anecdotes, I will reveal to you a pre-9/11 (I really hope a better term than that is adopted soon) example of airport security ineptitude.

Before an otherwise really cool party in San Francisco in which it was lost, I had a really cool black microfiber jacket of which I was extremely fond. I stored many items in this coat, such as stamps, pens, paper, rubber bands, and a switchblade comb. You know the one I mean, those novelty combs which for all intents and purposes look like a genuine switchblade knife until you press the button and *flick* a comb pops up! Ha ha funny! (Think "Two dollars", that's the one. And if you don't get that reference, go and watch Better Off Dead right now.)

So I wore this jacket constantly, and was wearing it when I went to the San Jose International Airport to see a friend off on a flight. When going to the airport I would run my jacet through the metal detection conveyor belt rather than wear it through the walk-through deal and set it off with the numerous buttons I had stuck to it. Now this comb is made entirely of metal, and so I assume would be indistinguishabel from a regular switchblade in X-ray vision, and even if not, is certainly not an acceptable thing to bring onto an airplane. However, the security personnel manning that station did not blink an eye.

It's a good thing for me, since I did it completely by accident, but a disturbing occurrence nonetheless.

I miss my black microfiber jacket. I hope whoever took it is really really enjoying it and has a tree fall onto them.

Today I saw a young man with his shoelaces laced-up upside-down, as in the bow was on the bottom. I am still trying to figure exactly what sort of advantage this would have other than confusing people like myself who try to seek out the reason of apparently pointless fashion statements.

I understand the need for timely news reporting, but I am convinced that the AP never proofreads their articles before posting them.

Then again, neither do I.

Slap That Ho really brings an edgy urban characterization and competitive quality to the simple act of dragging a mouse across your pad quickly and accurately.

Plus you get to Slap a Ho.

Slap That Ho!

Slap gently to hear the amusing employee/employer exchange. And don't even step until you surpass 408 MPH, punk.

Note: 1moredork Online does not promote the act of slapping hoes. Unless the bitch doesn't give you your fuckin' money.

So like, I was trying to describe this one bug by describing the motion that a particular character in the game makes, and the best term I could come up with is that he does a dolphin dive, that one breakdancing move in which one jumps towards the floor, hands out, and kind of curls downwards into a push-up position. I used to be able to do this all the time no problem, so of course I had to get up from my desk and try one in the middle of the room and yes I still can.

I cannot, however, do the centipede, or worm. There are certain painful obstacles preventing me from taking the time to learn to do this move properly. Namely that my gear slaps against the ground in a significantly unpleasant manner. It could be worse, though. To quote Sid (leader of 5-member group The VVeR(V) CreVV), "First of all make sure you always have your shirts tucked in. Guys, never do the Worm if U got a boner or else itz gonna B really painful... And Girlz just watch out what's goin on around U... "

It seems like all the things I most enjoy make me have to urinate.

Devil May Cry 2 made it very easy to make your character do cool things. Unfortunately, due to a confusing camera and a difficult targeting system, the following conversation between myself and the main character, Dante, occurred multiple times.

Me: Okay, here's a bunch of small enemies, I'm going to get a better style rating than "Don't Worry" this time. I know I've got it.
Dante (Cartwheeling across the room): Hup! Hoo! Hup! Ha!
Me: Okay, Dante. Get that guy!
Dante (Slashing sword towards enemy on opposite side of the room): Hiya! Whoo! Hup! Hooya!
Me: No, hit the guy that you're right next to! Okay then, shoot that other guy if you're so dead set on killing him.
Dante (Jumping up in the air, backflipping and firing dual pistols directly below him): *blammity blammity blammity* Waaaaaiyaaaa!!
Me: Dammit, Dante! Don't shoot the cement, shoot the demons!!!
Dante: (Spinning around and performing graceful sword slashes into thin air): Kiyai! Heyo! Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha! Wataaaa!!!
Me: Stop it!! Just hit that guy, he's right there!
Dante: (Finally attacking someone, cutting them to ribbons and pushing the enemy and himself entirely out of the camera view) Rrrrrraaaa!!! Cornholiooo!!!!
Me: I'm sure whatever you're doing is very impressive, if only I COULD FUCKING SEE IT!!!

In short, coolness is all well and good, but not at the cost of an effective combat system. I did get used to it after awhile, and learned the way to get huge stylistic combos! So now 1moredork presents the definitive DMC2 super-combo guide!

When confronting multiple enemies, do the following: Get close to an enemy, hold down R and mash Triangle until they're dead, mash Circle until you're near another enemy. Repeat until the game ends.

And to defeat any of the bosses: Stay far away from them. Mash the square button until they are dead.

So here I was, mastering a combat system and saving up red orbs, the currency of the game, hoping to save up for later levels to power up my character, and it seemed like I'd have to put a sword upgrade on layaway when all of a sudden the game was over, after only 4 hours or so of gameplay. "Hunh, that's okay.", I thought, "There's a whole 'nother DVD with another character! I'm sure it'll unlock another quest or something."

Total time to beat the other disc: 3 hours.

The sound is alright, the music is pretty good, the graphics are okay with nice large, confusingly laid-out environments, which are not an improvement over the smaller, but more intimately detailed environments of the first game. The plot involved some whiny effeminate (why are the bad guys always really gay in Japanese stuff?) businessman who clearly had the same tailor as Tekken's Hayabusa and wanted to become a god or something by collecting a bunch of artifacts. The plot didn't really matter to me, since it clearly didn't matter to the designers.

Yeah, so I sold it back already. If you haven't played either, drop $20 on the PS2 classics version of the original Devil May Cry. It's the same thing, only cheaper.

Today's secret phrase is "tail-fucking".

Last night I had this horrible dream that I was leaving Safeway and Jay Leno accosted me in the parking lot with a camera crew, demanding to see what was in my grocery bag. I told him I'd rather not, but he wrestled me to the ground and pried it out of my hands. The only things inside were Pop-Tarts, mayonaisse, a bottle of vodka, and a box of latex glaves.

Television:

I watched about 5 minutes of American Idol. I guess it's alright, except for the singing. Also, it doesn't seem like the judges ever offer any constructive criticism or advice. How are these wannabes supposed to improve their act if the only feedback they get is, "That was just terrible." Hell, I could be a judge on that show. I can be unhelpful and bitchy as well as any of their current panel.

-*click*-

Currently a police pursuit is being broadcast live. I prefer the Voyeur's Digest version of World's Scaries Police Chases. This chase is taking forever. I tuned in about an hour and a half into it. The commentators have pretty much run out of thigns to say about the chase at this point.

Lady Announcer: So do we know if the right front tire is flat?
Man Announcer: I'm not sure, but that left rear tire certainly is. If his right front tire is flat, he's in a lot of trouble. That's a front-wheel drive car.
LA: Yes, that's an Intrepid isn't it?
MA: Yup, seems to be an Intrepid. Good thing for him he's going slow so his axles won't catch on fire.
LA: Yeah I'm surprised it's still going.
MA: Yeah, that's a pretty good car.
LA: Yup.
MA: Yup, sure is.
(Pause)
LA: So uh... How much time do you think a police officer spend training for this stuff?

Etc. etc. They are also chastising the people on the overpass for stopping their cars and peering over the edge to watch, running to the other side when the suspect passes underneath. "They seem to think this is entertainment. This isn't a spectator sport."

Like Hell it isn't. If it's not entertainment, why am I watching it on Fox right now? If I had a willing accomplis, I would absolutely start a pool on how long before he gets captured, and I knowo for sure someone else must be betting on it right now. It's an endurance test. Nobody ever gets away from the cops. There's no Pay N' Spray in reality. It's just like the Romans watching the Lions eat the Christians. How long is he going to go before he wrecks or gets pinched? (Ooh, the commentators just referred to the two suspects involved as "Dumb and Dumber"! Does that expression predate the film? I have no idea.) Everyone knows their not going to make it, but a secret dark part of their heart is rooting for them. Maybe it's just me Now they're speculating on the suspects jail charges and sentences.)

People in SoCal keep pagers on their person that let them know instantly whenever a police chase has started, so that they may find their favorite local news affiliate and keep tabs. I'd be extremely disappointed if I were pulled away from something for this, though. Criminy, it's still going! I think that if someone has already committed themselves to a police chase, they almost have a responsibility to step it up and give the people at home something to watch. It's like a real live Running Man. I mean, it's probably the last thing you're going to be able to do for awhile, might as well go for it.

Ohp! It's over. They've decided to just give it up, seeing as how they had no tires left. Now I'm getting the director's commentray version of the arrest process. Very fascinating. This is Chevy Chase's neighborhood they're in which they're being busted, I learn. Not entertainment indeed. Who do they think they're fooling?

-*click*-

Holy Cow, what is the UPN weathergirl wearing?

-*click*-

Ah, a slow zoom into a shot of Michael Jackson's face. There's my nightmare juice for the evening.

-*click*-

Extreme Dating? Who are these people?

-*click*-

Ah, soft-core Showtime porn. Like diet soda, this is.

-*click*-

Leno: "Blix finally found the smoking gun. The smoking gun... Turns out it was in Phil Spector's house! Pow!"

I sure hope that if I am ever murdered, I am immortalized in a talk show warm-up act.

This is our primary cultural export here, folks. This is our face to the world.

How many hit points do you think God has?

I'd always wondered what the aerodynamic principles behind a Nimbus 2000 were, and now I can find out, thanks to The Science of Harry Potter.

One can always count on Newsmax for hard-hitting, unbiased reports about how The Left is destroying America, once you sift through all the advertisements posing as news headlines, of course. Watch, I can cut and paste from their front page, and I'll bet you'll find at least one of these amusing:

NewsMax Top 10
Hottest Sellers
January 10, 2003
1 Catastrophe: Clinton’s Role in America’s Worst Disaster
2 Unrestricted Warfare
3 The USS Bush hat
4 The Greatest Speeches of Ronald Reagan
5 Pray and Be Rich
6 Off-the-Record with Bernard Goldberg
7 The Leadership Genius of George W. Bush
8 Troublemaker
9 CIA Files
10 Bias

I really find this more depressing than anything else. I know most people don't, but I believe Michael when he says that nothing sexual went on when he was hanging out with the children. He's just trying to have a sleepover, since he never got to have friends as a kid. Michael Jackson seems to be, in essence, a multimilllionaire 7-year old.

I have been told that one should never attempt to engage in sexual intercourse while under the influence of Ecstacy, because the resulting experience will be so much better than usual that one will never wish to have sex any other way again.

Whoever told me that must have been having really crappy sex.

So, do the Iraqis want us to invade them?

Still, when one considers that the Iraqi people were probably told that the evil American swine's plans for the total conquest of space went awry when their shuttle exploded, it's a little more understandable. After all, I'm sure a significant portion of the U.S.'s population would be cheered to learn of a similar accident happening to an Iraqi spacecraft.

"God's vengeance", though? If anyone there is counting on God to back them up, they are woefully mistaken.

Õh man, I was out miniature golfing with Steve and Rhea tonight, and I don't know if you're familiar with the 13th hole of the yellow course in the Irvine Boomer's, but I got a hole-in-one there, like, totally the wrong way and everything. Okay, you know how you have to thit the ball in that one little hole, and then it goes down into that other part? Well, I just smacked it over the rock, and it hit the other side and bounced off in the hole. You so had to be there. It kicked so much ass. I'm not even upset that I lost both times we played, because that shot ruled so completely.