"We will have none of your kind here! The price for your trespass shall be your lives! These treasures are not meant for you! You may number hundreds, but you are nothing to me! See as I flood the crevasses in which you cower, rain fire upon your heads and crush you with my fists! Only one of you shall survive, to return tell your tribe of the massacre which has been wrought by my hand upon your scouts. They will find nothing here but their own doom! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!"

I'll be damned if I'm going to have ants in my kitchen. For sure.


I could live without walnuts.


You think it's chocolate milk, but it's watered down poo-poo.


I'm sorry, Lord, but they were such cool sunglasses.

I saw them sitting on the bench in the Men's changing room at Ross while trying on a pair of khakis. I thought that they might be sunglasses from the store, but why would anyone take sunglasses into the dressing room? Also, they didn't have any security tags or price tags on them .

Despite my trepidation at wearing an item that may have been resting upon some sweaty, greasy degenerate's face, I tried them on, thought they looked good with my hair, and found myself faced with a difficult moral dilemma.

Someone obviously lost them here today, and probably not too long before I entered the dressing room. They obviously did not belong to the store. They were pretty cool, and someone may miss them and return here, looking for them. Is this a moral test sent down from the heavens to determine my moral fortitude? Kinda like how Job was tested, only I'm being tempted with sunglasses instead of having my children killed or having my body covered with loathsome sores (after all, he already did that in high school (the sores part)). Should I turn them in to the store's Lost and Found?

Or should I just pocket them, buy my pants, and leave? I liked them, it is rare that I find sunglasses I like. Some store employee might just end up with them themselves if I turned it in to Lost and Found and the person did not return to seek them. Besides, I have contributed a ridiculous amount of sunglasses to the community (shortest time from purchase to leaving on a tray at Wendy's: <1 hour) and deserve a break like this. And I'm sure God has better things to do than tempt folks with cool sunglasses.

So I double-checked the sunglass case to see if they had any similar models I coul legally purchase and possess. They had none, so I was now fairly certain that some former dressing-room user had left their own sunglasses on the bench before me. With this thought in mind, I reconsidered for anoth 10 seconds and bought my pants and left.

I was complimented on them. The next day, I got up and showered and ate some breakfast and went to my car. I grabbed my new sunglasses from the dashboard and admired them again. But, when I placed them on my face, they burnt me like the fires of hell! It was then that I realized that is pain was my punishment from God for succumbing to my immoral tempations. I had not only stolen from another, but had done so for the sake of my own pride.

Either that, or they had been sitting on my dashboard in the hot sun for too long.