Belated headline!

R.I.P. : Satirewire

The interent is now a little less funny. Man, first Suck.com turns into a re-run site, then Timmybighands.com goes off the air, and Seanbaby barely updates any more. Man, it's almost enough to make a guy want to start his own humor website!

Huh? Oh, not me, of course. I'm far too lazy.

Intelligenitalalia.

The condition of having sentient, speaking genitals, not unlike that experienced by the Marquis de Sade.

Speaking of bullies, apparently Eminumimmumennie threatened to beat up Moby. That's right folks, bullies get older, but they don't grow up. Big man, Emiminemi, like what's Moby going to do, fight him? He's fucking Moby. Moby is like the 90-pound weakling of the music world.

On his site, Moby talked about the incident in his online journal and pretty much said, "Whatever, I'd never even met him before. C'mon, Moby! You're a rich, famous guy now! You don't have to take that crap! If you ask me, he should tag ICP for the next Area festival and they can burn Memineim on stage in effigy. I'd suggest Christina Aguilera, too, but I'd actually enjoy watching ICP and Moby in the same venue.

Man, I wish I werea famous celebrity rockstar so that I could blog cool stuff that happened to me in my journal. "So I was at the VMA's last night. Eminem said he wanted to hit me from behind a wall of bodyguards. I called him a rabid little drug-addled trailer-park chihuahua from behind my wall of bodyguards. Then I when back to my hotel room and snorted coke through rolled-pages of a Gutenberg bible and had a huge orgy with a woman from every country that starts with the letter 'P'... I feel a strange sense of dissatisfaction."

Well with Moby's journal, I guess it's more like, "Today I ate tofu and string beans. Tofu and string beans are great!" So... it's like a regular blog, only it's by Moby. See, if I were famous, everything I do would be interesting by virtue of it being done by a celebrity. I've got to work on that. Of course ,Moby would probably be the firs tto tell me, "I am just a regular person, Ken. All celebrities are just regular people who do incredibly cool things which you will never do." To which I would have to reply, "OMFG!!!! MOBY!!! AHHH!!! OMG!!! You read my blog?! Did you like it? Can I have your autograph? OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TALKING TO MOBY!! Can you get me David Bowie's autograph??" And then he would have to kick my ass.

P.S. Moby addresses the "miming" issue I I mentioned in my thoughts on the Area2. You know, I'm sorry, Moby, it was a good show, but the Conga noises kept going after you stopped playing the congas. You might want to remove the conga track from the DAT tape if you're going to play live congas. Otherwise it does look like you're miming.

P.P.S. The writer of the article about the VMA's linked above is named Nekesa Mumbi Moody. Welsh/Kenyan? That rules.

So this morning 1 have 3 e-mails waiting. 1 in my inbox, and 2 in my junk mail folder. Of course, both those in my junk mail folder were not junk mail, just mail from people I had never received mail from before. (P.S. I like getting mail from readers. Go ahead, ask me something.) And the one piece of mail in my inbox was a spam about whether I was back in the job market from somewhere like www.resume-o-rama.com.

What, is today, like... backwards day?

Remember on the playground, in grammar school, when the bullies would try to trick you into giving them permission to beat the tar out of you? They'd always try those damn things on me, and I they never worked! I mean, I got beat anyhow, but they did not have the satisfaction of tricking me in addition beating my ass. And now, here's my How to Get Beat but Save Face guide for grammar school (Also works for older brothers and sisters):

Prompt: "No means yes and yes means no. Do you want me to hit you?"

Expected Response: "No! uh.. I mean yes! I mean, no!!! Wait! Agghh!!"

Your Response: "The answer to that would be the same as your answer to this question: 'Are you a big stupid retard?'"

***

Prompt: "You have to answer yes or no. Are you a faggot in a cage?"

Expected Response: "No!", to which they say, "Faggot on the loose!" and grab you and beat you.

Your Response: "Why do I have to answer yes or no? You are creating a false dilemma."

***

Prompt: "Today is backwards day? Do you want me to beat on you?"

Expected Response: "No! Yes!! Wait, I mean no!!! Agggh not in the face!!!"

Your Response: Run as fast as you possibly can.

***

You see kids, bullies are really just trying to cover up for their own lack of self-esteem by making themselves feel more powerful than another individual. Your typical bully has the I.Q. of a peppermill, and so this generally comes out in the form of beating up a smaller, weaker individual. They learn these tricks from one another, or perhaps go to secret bully meetings, pile their brains in a mixign bowl and then they together come up with one of these pathetic riddles. So, while they are pushing your face into a pile of playground tanbark, just remember that one day you will smart and sexy and successful, while they will be spending their unemployment checks on Amstel Light. Fantasies about them begging me for a job in the future (I, anturally was some sort of high-falutin' executive genius) and me granting them the most menial, unskilled job possible kept me going.

That or you can take solace in the fact that their parents probably beat on them, too.

"Psssst... hey..... hey, kid. Yeah, you, c'mere. You wanna buy some shit? Check it out, I got some weed, I got speed, plus I got Coke and Pepsi."

And on a realted note. It's well-known that there are Coke campuses, and there are Pepsi campuses. They will give educational institutions discounts and mandate that they enter into agreements to not carry the other company's brands. SJSU was a Pepsi campus. I worked for the Associated Student's Campus Recreation there and dealt often with PepsiCo. They sponsored our events, gave us free T-shirts to hand out and made it clear that if we ever went to the store to get soda for anything so innocous as a company picnic, it had better fuckin' be Pepsi or another Pepsi product.

I always secretly wished I had gone to a Coke school (Like Yale, or UMass). They have so much more prestige. Pepsi embodies youthful indescetion, party-animal, girls-gone-wildness (Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi!). Coke embodies tradition, unity and American values (I'd like to buy the world a Coke). Coke is a far more "adult" drink, it goes well with many foods, like a fine wine. It's "Rum and Coke", not "Rum and Pepsi". We've never seen Crystal Coke or Coke Blue (Although there was that "New Coke" debacle). There was no irritating little "Coke girl". Plus, If you travel abroad, "Coke" is the third most universally recognized word after "Okay" and "Hello". Coke is simply a conceptually superior soda.

Too bad it doesn't taste as good.

To those of you who actually "keep up" with this thing, I apologize for the slowdown in posts. I've got more than enough typing to meet my carpal tunnel quota with the imminent code release of two titles and my participation over at BigBlogger.

But I would like to give mad props to Paris and Ernie for their throwing of a great BBQ at their pad on Saturday. I apologize for being ummm.... 6 hours late and for making them endure both the Miami Vice theme and Chaka Khan. I'd like to thank Derek for bring the confusing but kickass mixer/decks from hell, and everyone else who showed up. It was a welcome rest for my weary, weary brain.

The only halfway original thought I've had recently is that it really would be ironic if it rained on your wedding day if you were a meteorologist. See, you're not missing that much.

Seen on billboard: Clamato y cerveza!

Now, I don't know that much Spanish, but I know that sounds totally disgusting.