Woke up with an erection this morning...

...wasn't mine, though.

I'm not exactly in the greatest shape, but I'd bet that, if it came down to it, I could take more than 65% of the world's population in a fight.

Not all at once, of course, or even consecutively, but if you picked one person randomly I'd have a 13 in 20 chance of being able to beat on them more than they could beat on me.

Most people would be afraid to sock a toddler or an octogenarian, but man, if one of those guys came at me with like... a wiffle bat or a walker or something, I would take that sucker out.

Gotta love the headline: Men's Deep Throat Linked to Sleep Problems

I know it would keep me from sleeping.

Why I am grumpy:

• I am still working on a terrible, terrible, shameful, disgraceful excuse for a game that I have been working on for 3 months.
• My bottom-front four teeth demand my attention constantly. They don't hurt, but you know how your teeth feel after you get them cleaned? They've felt like that, all week.
• I don't have the insurance to get my teeth cleaned anyhow.
• The general fucked-up state of the world.
• Pee-Wee Herman's conviction on child porn offenses.
• Michael Jackson dangling his kids off of hotel balconies.
• Staring at the computer every night and trying to force myself to come up with some new music and having nothing happen.
• Turning off my alarm in my sleep and waking up with not enough time to shower before I go to work.
• Being unable to get past the second circuit in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.

Reasons to be happy:

• I can't get "terminated" as long as this game remains in test.
• I've still got my teeth.
• I'm not dead in a ditch.
• I don't have to dig ditches.
• I have a job, a place to live, enough money to live on, and a wonderful girlfriend.
• Steve, Rhea and Sabs are coming to visit, and Steve will probably help me with some music.
• I can play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out if I want to.
• Alf, He-Man, and Optimus prime will never commit acts of child endangerment.
• The dude who I gave rides home to did get "terminated", although I feel guilty to be relieved that I don't have to interact with him any more.
• Actually, I do have to interact with him, since now he wants me to bring him all the stuff he left here.
• Oops, that's not a reason to be happy.
• I should probably get back to work before I get "terminated" as well.

Dammit, Tony Millionaire independently devised and capitalized upon my idea to paint handguns day-glo orange in order to fool onlookers into thinking you merely were packing a squirtgun. I guess that's why he's the famous comic-strip artist and I'm not.

I know it's like... 3 weeks after Halloween, but here it is. I was Pee-Wee Herman. Feel free to point and laugh.

You know people really have a hard time distinguishing between Pee-Wee Herman, who was an icon of carefree, frolicsome fun, and Paul Ruebens, who was arrested after spanking it in an adult movie theater and has been charged with child porn possession. Thus plenty of drunks in downtown Santa Cruz saw fit to mime masturbation in my direction, and one gentlemen said to me, "Pee-Wee Herman is a faggot!", which left me at kind of a loss. I couldn't very well say, "I know you are, but what am I?", since he didn't say "You are a faggot.", but on the other hand, he's not really insulting me personally, since I am not, in fact, actually Pee-Wee Herman. I just settled for flipping him off, which I know is not entirely creative, but I was a little stumped. At least I used both hands.

Anyway, I got my picture taken with lots of ladies, and got to make out with Garth Algar, while the belligerent drunks probably passed out in a puddle of their own filth.

In case you were wondering, Ami and her roomate dressed up as Garth and Wayne, respectively, of Wayne's World fame. Ari fashioned an extremely disturbing outfit from a pair of coveralls, a cap, one of the masks used to hold one's face in place after surgery, and a portable vocoder toy. We also had a very convincing Elle Woods from Legally Blonde with us. I'll try to optimize some more pictures soon.

Ugh.

If Hence The Name ever makes a music video, it's got to look something like this.

(Thanks to efg for the link.)

On some subconscious level, I still believe that eating spinach will give me superhuman strength.

Okay, the story behind the next $5 in the Fun Fund:

Although it sounds like a euphemism for enthusiasts of rough gay sex, Fruit Rippers are in fact a cord-like fruit snack, and fruit allegedly just got fun!

I was surprised to see that the first ingredient of these things is actually fruit juice. Considering that they have the consistency of stale Play-Doh (It's not as bad as it sounds.), I would have figured that some sort of unpronouncable chemical would be the primary component after corn syrup. However, they do taste alright, I guess. I don't know what berry punch, the variety I purchased, actually tastes like, so I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they do a good job of emulating the taste of berry punch. They're essentially extruded Fun Fruits, and come in sets of three conjoined strings per package.

Not only are they a marginally delicious and not-entirely-bad-for-you snack, they're also apparently a cool toy! The back of the box features a number of hip, ethnically diverse children using their fruit rippers in all manner of novel fashions. In fact, only half of them are eating it. It's like a toy and a snack all in one! The text encourages me to. among other things, braid it (yes, it can actually be braided), stash it, and wear it (The girl on the back has somehow managed to fashion a friendship bracelet out of them. This is impossible. I tried.). Eating it is only one of the suggestions; I am also encouraged to use my imagination, which I think is a positive message to give kids. So, here a few more uses I came up with for Fruit Rippers:

• Snort it
• Cram it
• Use the leathery cords as a deliciously fruity bondage restraint
• Dangle a number of them out of your mouth and pretend you're Dr. Zoidberg or berry punch Cthulhu
• Fill a pillowcase with them for proper back and neck support

I think it's good that fruity snack makers finally acknowledged the fact that fruit snacks are as viable in the toy/food category as candy. Fruit Roll-Ups make great thumb socks, and cherry Fun Fruits are practically begging to be shoved up a nose and snot-rocketed out with the exclamation, "Aaahhh!!! A bloody booger!" With this product, Brach's is telling kids that it's okay to adorn themselves with syrupy fruit snacks and become coated with a thin film of corn starch and sugar.

In fact, with a few boxes of Fruit Leathers, a couple of these Rippers, and some Berry Bears, I could fashion myself a small lean-to, should I ever be stranded on a desert island with nothing but these snacks for food/equipment. I could also use them to create snares for small animals, and a crude loincloth. It'd have to be a desert island for sure, though; I'd be screwed if it ever rained.

Taking it furher:

1. Discussion topic: Did Ken use the semicolons properly in the above paragraphs? What is the deal with semicolons anyways?
2. Write an argument as to why semicolons are or are not necessary punctuation devices.
3. Create a dirty limerick with semicolons.
4. Describe a personal experience with gelatinous fruit snacks.