So I was in court yesterday afternoon, only Small Claims Court, sorry to disappoint. Anyhow, kc! and I were preparing the brief for the judge and I was thinking how much easier it would be to present the brief in hypertext. That we, he could read through our timeline, and jump straight from us mentioning documents in the timeline to copies of the documents themselves. I don't suppose it would be permitted to file your brief as a website, though.

We settled for about 1/3 of what we were suing for, but on the other hand, we didn't have to risk losing or not being able ot collect a judgement. I can't help but feel it would have the pretty cool to say I succesfully brought up a case in court, defneded it and won. At least I can claim that I've never lost a case.

The real entertainment factor came from the bailiff though, who, while explaining the proper court procedure and how the whoel thing would work, repeatedly assured us that, "This is not like the People's Court, not like on TV". Now, he must have reminded us of this about a dozen times, but also went to state, and I quote, "God isn't here. There's just me."

And you know you lose automatically if you crack up at the bailiff.

Well, but what about the way we read narrative on a weblog? We have to read entries invidually from the bottom up in order to have them make any sort of sense chronologically. It's like watching "Memento". Okay... stopping now...

Wow, that was even more dorky than usual, and less coherent. Upon second inspection, I think it's really a poem about the effects that utilizing a lot of code in our communication with computers affects the way that we communicate ideas in writing. Such as using HTML tags when speaking to humans, and having the humans understand what you mean.

<Microsoft commercial voice> Written Language 2.0, now with < evil grin> and <Microsoft commercial voice> tags!</Microsoft commercial voice>

..... Okay... maybe I'll go to bed now.

Well I've been reading some other people's weblogs, and it seems that the thing to do is talk about what you thought of "Star Wars: The Attack of the Clones"
 (I seriously can't believe he named it that, I mean, I know he must be paying an homage to his 60's Sci Fi influences, but damn -- The Attack of the Clones?
  (Admittedly, though, way back when we thought that "Revenge of the Jedi"
   (The original title for "Return of the Jedi"
    (Damn this is a long parenthetical progression
     (probably why I wasn't an English major)

     )

    )

   )

  )

 )

)

 (but I was a programmer)

was a suitable title), but unfortunately, I have yet to see it. I know my dork stats are dropping like a rock, but I just don't need to see it so much that I'm going to brave going into a theater completely crowded with high-schoolers
 (no offense, high schoolers)
so I'll see it in two weeks.

Now, the challenge is to continue reading all these weblogs without reading any spoilers for the film. So I'm programming an Internet Explorere plug in that will put an in front of such phrases as "Jar-Jar", "Dooku", "Uncle", "pregnant", "3-bladed light sabre", "Fett" and "gay". Then I'll be able to read the web like usual and also see the movie 3 weeks after opening night and still be as unbiased about it as if I had seen it opening night. It can also be easily reconfigured for other blockbuster titles. Perfect for the antisocial weblogging Star Wars fan, and I know I'm not the only one. I wonder what would be an appropriate shareware fee?

I am going to find this woman and marry her. I'm gonna marry her all night long. You know, it's kind of sad exactly how arousing I find this picture (don't worry, it's work-safe).

Great, just great. So now this kid in Dallas shoots his friend and blames it on video games. Let me look into my crystal ball here... nnnmmmmm... okay, it looks like the parents are going to bring a civil suit against video game makers... uhmm... Texans aren't going to change their minds about gun control.... hmmm... ..... seems that there's going to be more foofaraw about why games are making kids kill each other.... aaaaannnnd... parents will continue to buy M-rated games for their disaffected mentally unstable kids and leave loaded firearms around the house.

I just don't understand why it's hard for people to figure out that while violent, mentally unstable people like violent video games, normal, healthy teens like violent video games too. Normal healthy teens with access to guns like video games, too. And violent, mentally unstable teens with access to guns like violent video games. It's only last one that is the problem. That's why YOU CAN'T BUY M-RATED GAMES IF YOU'RE UNDER 17!!! Or maybe, gee I dunno, if you didn't leave kids unattended in a house with a LOADED FUCKING GUN they wouldn't have anything TO SHOOT EACH OTHER WITH!!! And just possibly, if your kid is cutting school all day long to play violent video games which he shouldn't have in the first place, in a house with a loaded gun, that there just might be something wrong with your kid? *huff* *huff* *huff*

I'm sorry.. I'm sorry. I just get a little worked up becuase when I was a sullen disaffected teen I actually had to wait to get home to play video games, and my parents cared enough about me to make sure that I wasn't getting into trouble and the only gun we had in the house was an unloaded, non-functional movie prop pistol which was rusted beyond functionality and I didn't know where it was anyhow. Plus all the violent video games back then sucked ass.

Some may wonder why exactly I have DSL access and a webpage if I cannot afford to attend the theatre. Two words: "Contractual Obligation".

Microsoft, as part of their "long-term strategy" made a "carefully planned" reduction of the Xbox's price today to only $199. Of course it is just a huge coincidence that this comes one day after the PS2's price is dropped to the same amount.

Personally, I envision a 3am phone call to a bleary-eyed Bill Gates, who quickly exits the house in boxers and bathrobe to attend a meeting where similarly attired executives are running their hands through their hair going "fuck! fuck! fuck!"

Ah... console price wars... I remember back in the day when Atari was rapping to us about how their system was now under fifty bucks (Fifty bucks?! Now isn't that nice.) Although I doubt we'll see such a drastic reduction from any of the players in today's market. It's a shame since I would probably invest in an Xbox if I weren't so concerned about little things like whether or not I can make rent. Maybe if the price wars drive the Xbox price down to a blowjob and a backrub or a batch of fresh-baked cookies I could afford to get one.

I'm beyond hoping to ever receive a console or game for a birthday or Christmas gift. In my day I've owned a Colecovision, Intellivision, Atari 2600, Gameboy, Gameboy color, NES, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis and a PS2, and countless game titles, all of which were purchased with my own money (my dad once told me that "Intendo" (Yes, he always referred to it as "Intendo", presumably to drive me nuts) was an instrument of the devil). The only exception to this rule that I can recall is when Steve bought me Flicky for my Genesis. Flicky is a game based upon the adventures of one of those little bluebirds that popped out whenever Sonic the Hedgehog exploded a Prison Egg (Yes I remember what they're called, no I don't remember my own mother's street address). Yeah, it was pretty frou-frou, but it was fun, and it was the one time that anyone recognized that, yes, I am a dork, and yes, I want video games for presents.

But in the meantime, all this working hard and saving up my money has taught me the value of the dollar and all that stupid crap. Of course, working part time and being so poor that I consider going out to the movies as a luxury has really really taught me the value of a dollar, so I feel that Microsoft should institute a special pricing, where the parents of whiny spoiled brats should pay $250 for an Xbox, and I should get one for free. My e-mail address is right over there on the left, Mr. Gates.

Who is Ken totally gay for today?

Today I am gay for Erik, for linking me and mentioning me on his blog becuase it's way better-looking than mine and people probably read it and stuff, and may actually read mine now, and then that would be great, because one of them might be rich and charitable.

I am also gay for Michael because we only just met a couple times and he gave me a Pac-Man glass for free! And I didn't even ask him for it, he just gave it to me because I used to have one, see, but it was broken. I am also gay for Johnny Depp, but I am always gay for him.

Editor's note: the author uses the term "gay" to imply that he is happy for the men in question, as in happy for their existence, not "gay" in the sense that he wants to perform oral sex on them or throw them over an office desk and jam his wang up in their business. The author is a heterosexual man.

I wish Johnny Depp would come 'round here and waggle his dilio around in my mouth like a toothbrush!

The editor retracts his previous statement.

Yup, sure had another earthquake yesterday. Honestly, I didn't even notice it. See, I was spinning records at the time, and while the earthquake measured a 5.2 on the Richter scale, the mad beats I lay down measured a 6.

Consider yourself lucky, you probably only have to read that once, whereas all my friends are going to hear that multiple times whenever anyone asks about the earthquake. My witticisms or interesting anecdotes are generally so few and far between that I have to get at least 4 or 5 uses out of each one before I consider it tired. Yeah, I'm pathetic like that.

Speaking of anecdotes, here's a story: This dude I'm personally assisting right now has a business partner named Michael Hunt. I can't tell you how hard it is for a juvenile dork like myself to refrain from chuckling whenever said I'm on eh.
dude calls the office and asks, "Did anyone call for me?" and I have to reply, "Yeah, Mike Hunt called".

Speaking of Mike Hunt, I once had a baseball glove whose previous owner was named "Mike Hunt" according to the magic marker on the back.

Honestly, how hard is it to just pronounce one's child's name to see if it is not a crude reference to female genitalia? So, here are three unfortunate names I have encountered in my life:

• B.J. Head
  
• Johnson Hung
  
• Hung Long

The last one was an auto body shop right near my house, but they took the sign down just last week before I could take a picture. If only I had a digital camera, then this site would be genuinely interesting!

Man, I so totally almost crashed my car 'cause I was trying to visualize a tesseract while I was on the freway. I'd hate to have to explain that to an insurance agent.

Okay, just saw Spider-Man finally. Here we go:

Pretend that you are a very intelligent high school student, with ambitions of becoming a professional photographer who happens to tour a facility where they are genetically engineering the ultimate spider for some reason and have a very hard time keeping track of their subjects (not to mention the kind of place they just let high school students traipse around in). Now suppose, hypothetically, that some genetically-engineered super-spider happens to land on your hand and bite the hell out of it. Later in the day, the bite swells up to the size of a golf ball, and you start feeling very sick. Would you rather:

A) Get yourself to a doctor as soon as possible, or at least call the poison control hotline, or...

B) Sleep it off.

Now I don't know about Peter Parker, but I sure as hell would alert someone right away that their uber-arachnid just bit my hand and that they better have a damn good lawyer. Donna made the interesting observation, though: "Maybe he's so depressed that he wants to die." Yeah, his life did seem pretty unsatisfactory up to that point.

Going through adolescence, having to come to terms with your body growing and developing in strange ways, learning to control theis sticky white fluid that you can suddenly produce... uh hunh. Been there, done that.

And I really, really hope that the last shot in the film was something that Sam Raimi fought tooth and claw against the producers in a vain attempt to omit, becuase that really ruined the whole film, and it wasn't that great to begin with. It was only salvaged slightly by the inclusion of the original theme song during the closing credits.

Incidentally, I know the lyrics to the Spider-Man theme song, but every time I hear it in my head it goes like this:

Spider-guy, Spider-guy, half a spider and half a guy,

Does the stuff a spider does,

Ties up crooks and drinks their blood.

Look out! Here comes the spider-guy.

My mind has a bizarre habit of rewriting lyrics.

Biggy Biggy Biggy, can't you see?

Sometimes your words just hypnotize me,

And I just love you flabby waist,

Guess that's why they thin and you're overweight.