This is special correspondent Ken, reporting from the scene of an actual real-live for-serious earthquake happening right now:

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Spot the Typo 6: (Wired) Nigerian Slain Over E-mail Scam
Spot the Typo 7: (USA Today) Air Force Looks Into Academy Rape Claims

You know who are the people are for whom I feel the most sorry (who are... object... for whom I... subject... yeah, I think that's right.)? The folks who actually are playing the flute in the shower, and then have to explain to the doctor later that it really was just an accident that they slipped and fell on it, ass-first. I mean really, who's going to believe that?

I don't know why exactly, but for some reason, I've been theorizing quite a bit about possible ass-related products. Please don't assume from this post that I constantly am obsessing about derrieres from this post.

The Porta-Gasket (Eco-Ring): The ass-gasket has become a common sight in many office and public bathrooms. So much so that some folks will not use a public restroom for #2 if they are not present. Of course, the ass-gasket is an almost entirely psychological aid. Germs come mostly from the water in toilets, and don't really hang out on the toilet seat itself, but as a psychological aid, it is very effective.

Unfortunately, they have severe disadvantages. If someone has inconsiderately urinated upon the seat (or worse), the ass-gasket does little else except provide an early warning system by showing us where the offending droplets lie. Also, God knows how many of these things are flushed down toilets on a daily basis. Those are trees we're flushing there, people!

Thus, I propose the Porta-Gasket. A whole new personal sanitation industry lies untapped. Easily carried in a satchel, purse or briefcase, the Porta-Gasket is made of an impermeable material and features a comfortable gel-filled upper portion molded to the users specific ass contours. Higher-end models could feature battery-powered heaters if so desired. This product would reduce the waste produced by regular, disposable ass-gaskets, and soon using the disposable variety would be frowned upon.

Naturally, the Porta-Gasket is dishwasher safe.

The Hineykerchief: Like a handkerchief, but for the hiney. I think this would also save a whole lot of paper, but would be far, far more difficult to market.

The Bass Plug: If one cannot afford a gut-rattling sound system, or simply wants to acheive the effects of a powerful subwoofer without bothering neighbors or co-workers, the Bass Plug is the answer. Sleekly and compactly designed, it quietly, but intensely vibrates the insides of one's anus in a manner almost entirely indistiguishable from even the highest-end sound systems. This subwoofer suppository will allow anyone to enjoy butt-rumbling bass without the cost or decibel level of home and car stereo systems. And it's portable!

The television quote of the year: "I'm sorry I lied to you, but I wanted to find someone who loved me for who I am." - Joe Millionaire

You know, I thought about going to one of the protests on the 15th, but went with my cynical, apathetic side and figured it probably wouldn't matter. Well, cynicism and apathy win again. Apparently Bush feels that it's really great and all that we can express ourselves, but it doesn't make a difference to him.

"Size of protest, it's like deciding, 'Well I'm going to decide policy based up on a focus group.' The role of a leader is to decide policy based upon the security — in this case — security of the people."

I swear, living in this country is like being locked in a car with a drunk driver. Ari Fleischer is no better,

"Often the message of protesters is contradicted by history."

Ummm.... Yeah, and sometimes they're absolutely right as well. There was that whole Vietnam war deal, Ghandi's work, the civil rights movement...

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that bling.