I've been hearing these rumors that Sony, not Microsoft, not "you can't put the hampster in the microwave" Nintendo, but Sony's version of BMX XXX may have little black bars over the any bare nipplage that occurs in the game. I would consider that a personal insult if that were the case.

I looked at BMX XXX's website at work, against my better inclinations, and had to get through a pr0n-esque "Enter if you are over 17 years of age", and it was fuckin' hype. Lame lame hype. They write things like "F***" and "S***" and have black bars over the titties. For fuck's (see, that's how it's spelled, Acclaim!) sake, if I have to get through an age verification screen, I should get to see some actual screenshots and read the word "fuck".

Acclaim really has an opportunity to disappoint here if this is the kind of crap we're going to be getting.

Fun Fund Purchase: Ore-Ida's Funky Fries: Cinna-Fries - $5

I know you shop at grocery stores, and I know you've been down the freezer aisle, seen the Funky Fries packages, and wondered to yourself what in the hell is wrong with Ore-Ida that they should see fit to produce blue fries, chocolate fries, and cinnamon fries. I also know that for one brief moment you considered purchasing them just to see what they're like, but then decided it wasn't worth your money or time to do so. I know these things because my spy robots have been following you to learn your fighting techniques, and here you are just wandering around the frozen food section of Safeway. You didn't even display your secret style once. These spy robots were a total waste of money.

"Well", I thought to myself, "as long as I'm blowing money on spy robots, I may as well buy these Funky Fries!" So I did. Now you don't have to waste your money finding out just what the reason behind their seasoning is. I admit that I purchased these before receiving the check from Ernie, but they've been languishing in my freezer for about a month, and the other night I finally got tired of Jimmy Neutron's puppy-dog eyes on the front of the package staring at me every time I went in there for an Otter Pop, pleading with me to at least try them. "Why did you buy me, Ken, If you're not going to eat me?", they said. Mostly I wasjust scared to eat them because Jimmy Neutron's eyeballs were talking to me, but I stabbed the bag a couple times with an icepick, and then they stopped, so I really had no good reason to put off eating them any longer, aside from the fact that they seem gross. Plus if I let them sit any longer they'd probably get freezer burn now that the bag had icepick-holes all through it.

"Sour Cream and Jive"-style seemed pretty straightforward and non-disgusting. The ring-shaped variety also seemed too mundane. Frankly, I don't get paid enough for this to try chocolate-flavored french fries, and the store I was in didn't carry the "Kool Blue" kind. Thus, it had to be "Cinna-Fries".

Cinna-Fries are borderline bizarre. One the one hand, as my roomate pointed out to me, potatoes and cinnamon sweetness are no strangers to each other. One puts applesauce and cinnamon on potato latkes, for example. On the other hand, these were cinnamon and sugar-encrusted French Fries, for crying out loud. I tried thinking of them like a really screwed-up take on the Churro, but I still couldn't reconcile the potato-ness, which I consider a savory food, with the cinnamon-ness, which may technically be a spice, but I still consider it a sweet food. Ami pointed out that they must have had focus groups and whatnot before producing these things, so they at least are probably not totally disgusting. For some reason a vision of Crystal Pepsi popped into my head.I shook the devil vision away fiercely, and with a burst of sheer will, did not prevent Ami from placing them on a cookie sheet and putting them in the oven.

It smelled vaguely like we were baking cinnamon rolls, which made the fact that we were actually baking French Fries just slightly more disturbing. After a few minutes, they emerged soft and squishy, but further study of the packaging revealed that "For crispier fries, wait 3 minutes before serving." Well, they probably should have said, "To avoid causing third-degree burns to your tongue and mouth, wait 3 minutes before serving.", because who the hell eats fries right out of an oven anyhow? Nobody dies, because anyone who tries that dies. I don't know, maybe it's a current Xtreme sport witht eh kids to eat burning hot foods or something. I haven't cooked fries out of a package for years, I may be out of the loop.

In true ghetto-tastic fashion, we just put the cookie tray right onto the coffee table and settled in for an evening of MST3K and strange food hybrids. You know, as long as you don't think to yourself: "Hey, I'm eating a french fry covered in cinnamon and sugar.", they're not really all that bad. Potato is a pretty subtle flavor. It's essentially a vehicle for whatever you want to put on it, like the bread of the vegetable kingdom. So, just as bread will readily accept PB&J or turkey and mustard, does the humble potato bend to the will of its dressing.

My roomate commented that some sugary ketchup would be nice. Ami pointed out that ketchup already has a lot of sugar in it, and I suggested dipping them in frosting instead. Then I think we all realized what was being proposed and didn't feel so good about the Cinna-Fries any more. Only about half of what we had prepared was actually eaten.

Although I can't really condone putting them in trail mix, they do not offend the sensibilites of God or man, and would probably be pretty darn good with some applesauce. They are not bad food, but they are a misfit food. Where exactly in the western meal culture do they fit? They have the appearance of a side-dish, but the taste of a breakfast pastry. Although there's no real rules against it, who's going to want to a hamburger and cinnamon thingies? I guess breakfast is the place for them then, since cinnamon-ness and potato-ness both fit into the breakfast category of foods, but their fry shape would just be inappropriate next to cereal or eggs. If only they had simply marketed them as Cinnamon Potato Sticks, or Cinnamon-Tots instead of actual french fries, they may fare better.

Poor misunderstood Cinna-fries, doomed to sit on freezer aisle shelves until they are sent to the warehouse to make room for egg-filled frozen waffles or something. They really do evoke a sense of pity. They seem to embody incongruity, much like the octo-parrot or wine in a cardboard box, and like both these things, it probably never should have been created. If you want to try them, try them now while they still are in stores, for I don't think they will last much longer.


The Transporter -

Warning: Spoilers

Yeah, I was pretty excited when I saw the previews, too. When the hero deflected that rocket-propelled grenade with the serving tray and that one scene with him watching the gun fly up in the air in slow-motion and then catching it behind his back. That was sick. That was why I was excited to go see the flick. That and the promise of some fast-paced car chases through crowded, poorly-engineered European city streets.

Well, guess what, for the opening chase, I thought I was still watching a preview for another movie, it was so spastically edited. The camera angles keep flipping around so much that there's no cohesion to it. You can't tell who's following who, where the cars are relative to one another, or which direction they're going. I think the cinematographer was so hung up on being "stylized" that he forgot that the audience would like to be able to tell what's going on. The money shot stunt in the opening, where he jumps the car onto a moving flatbed truck, is wasted due to poor setup. I had no clue what he was planning or where the car was or anything. It was like watching a car commercial.

The fight sequences were a marginal improvement over the car chases. They was some fairly basic butt-kicking interspersed with some genuinely clever moments. There was some very Jackie Chan moments which were again ruined by bad camera angles, poor blocking and too many cuts. (Dear Western film-makers DON'T TRY TO MAKE KUNG-FU MOVIES, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! THE RATIO OF PUNCHES TO EDITS SHOULD BE FAR HIGHER THAN 1:1) John Statham does manage to lose his short fairly often and display his greatest assets after the accent.

The thing with the serving tray? Yeah, that's not even in the movie. Rip-off.

Oh, and there was some plot about how this transporter fellow is struggling to work as a high-profile delivery man though he was sever obsessive-compulsive disorder and can only transport packages if he knows exactly how big they are and how much they weigh. Then the movie turns into a remake of Excess Baggage (and on the predictability scale, it earns a 10, since Ami guessed there was going to be a beautiful girl in the trunk of the car without having any prior knowledge of the film.) there's a beautiful girl in the trunk of the car. Blah blah blah criminal with a heart of gold blah blah ex-military blah blah blah friendly antagonization by French cop blah blah shipping Chinese immigrants in a big container. Don't even get me started about the storyline. Rather than simply demanding suspension of disbelief, it demanded complete suspension of any neural activity.

You know, I was expecting something a little more gritty and sincere than xXx, but instead I got the same unbelievable stunts, but without the benefit of being presented in a tongue-in-cheek manner. In the end, it left me disappointed and with a strange urge to drink Orangina in the seat of a luxurious black BMW 735.

It was however, quite baggable, and bagged upon it was indeed. Ami and I have determined that the drive-in is definitely the place to go for any movie which might possible suck. That way you can riff on the whole thing without worrying about upsetting your neighbors. Plus you cna eat whatever you want, it's cheaper, and no one kicks the back of your chair.

I can't eblieve I haven't mentioned this yet, but Hence The Name has 3 new songs-of-the-indeterminate-time-period up on our site.

Steve is responsible for all 3 and is a genius. I am responsible for none and need to get my rear in gear and find some time to compose.

I recommend the new version of Possum Market especially.

Experience them here.

Okay, I mailed $110 of the Fun Fund to Christine for her son's PS2, and spent $10 on WaCkY fOoD! Namely Ore-Ida's Cinna-Fries Funky Fries, and some Fruit Rippers in an attempt to eat those things which have intrigued me, but I was not really willing to spend money on trying out.


This story + this story = hilarious speculation. You can figure it out where I'm going with this. I'm too lazy to write it out.

Regarding the Iraqi election, that's some funny, funny shit. I mean, 100% voting in favor of Saddam? Did they really think anyone would believe that? That's almost as ridiculous as a president not getting the majority of the vote and still taking office!


Okay, I admit, that was way too easy. I apologize for that one.

You've got to say though, a 98.2% Iraqi voter turnout really puts the Americans to shame.

So of course Wal-Mart has decided not to carry BMX XXX, which we all expected, a first, though, is KB Toys and Toys "backwards R" Us's decision not to carry the title either. (Last I checked, Wal-Mart will still sell you all the real-life equipment you need to go on a shooting rampage deer-hunting expedition, though.)

Now, I can understand that these are technically toy stores, and toys are generally intended for children, and this game is certainly not intended for children, but if these toy store chains are going to make this decision to not carry this title, they need to be more consistent with their policies.

I have purchased games from these stores which allowed me to blast bloody holes thorugh people's chests with shotguns, run over folks with cars, and beat the living crap out of virtual human beings. BMX XXX does not allow you to do this, but instead has videos of strippers, off-color humor, and some virtual bare breasts. Now, none of this content is suitable for kids, which is why all the titles in question have M ratings. However, I would much rather that children were exposed to dangerous BMX stunts and boobies than virtually engaging in grevious bodily harm of other human beings. If you ask me, and I know you were just about to, so-called "Toy" stores should not carry any M-rated titles. All they're doing here is further ensuring that I'll go to Gamestop, Fry's, or Electronic Boutique for my eventual purchase of this game.

You know, I've never personally been to a strip club. Call me crazy, but the prospect of plunking down $100+ bucks for the opportunity to have some titties waggled in my face does not appeal to me. It seems to me to be analagous to going to an all-you-can-look-at buffet. Not that I frequent prostitutes either... my analogy kind of falls apart there. *ahem!* Anyhow, since video games clearly have a profound impact on my psyche (View blatant logical fallacies by a real PhD in that one!), after BMX XXX trains me to be a professional-grade BMX stunt rider, the lines between the game and reality might become blurred! What if I suddenly have a desire to see bare breasts in real-life! And you know, it's only a short jump before I start seeking out actual sex in reality! This game could cause high-school kids to become obsessed with sexual intercourse! Or BMX biking! The horror!


HTTP/1.1 500 Server Error theater!

Don't complain, asswipe! It was free!

Well, what with the recent exposure of the tale of my and Ernie's lovechild, I feel a little explanation is in order.

If I wanted to win Big Blogger All-Star, I couldn't use a condom, and it was really important that I win.

Okay, in reality, my friends graciously tok me out to Dave and Busters on Saturday to celebrate my turning one quarter-century old, and this was one of the results. Normally I don't go in for spectator-style machines like DDR and these photomat booths, but I was three drinks into the evening at this point, and these photomat genetic splicing machines have always piqued my curiosity, plus I now have the irrestible urge to try and confound every system I come across thanks to my testing position, so the natural solution is to try and have a baby with Ernie.

So we swiped our Power Cards, the machine took our sperm samples, processed the raw protein sludge, and after a few minutes, deposited the child you saw on Belle's page in the tray. Ernie insisted on having an Asian child, because he feels that white people are the devil incarnate. Ernie took custody of the child, which is fine, but I don't think he had to scream, "No green-haired bok gwai freak is touching my child!!"

It has caused some division between us, but I think Ernie will make a good dad. He's already teaching her ASP and DHTML. I thought he should teach her English first, but what do I know?

At least that's how I remember it happening.

You heard it here first folks:

Maryland Sniper Determined by Experts to be Gay Gamer

Richmond, Va. (BS) - Following up on speculation that the killer may be an enthusiast of such violent sniper-oriented video games as Counter-Strike or Unreal Tournament, police have enlisted the help of online gaming experts in order to assist them in creating a personality profile of the sniper.

"Clearly this individual has gone over the edge and lost the ability to distinguish between reality and the gaming world", stated a Counter-Strike expert who goes by the handle [OG]-p1mp43, "Also, he was clearly a gay-ass llama in the gaming world."

So far, [OG]-p1mp43, along with other members of his team of experts, or "clan [OG]", have examined the evidence and determined a number of traits the police can expert to find in in their suspects.

The killer's consistent use of the same weapon in each incident identifies him as what is known as a "whore". In this particular case, he appears to be an "AWP whore", due to his consistent use of the high-powered sniper rifle. The killer's choice of locations where targets are likely to appear and remain stationary for at least a short time establishes him as being a "total spawn camper". Furthermore, the speed at which the killer leaves the scene and the apparent ease with which he appears to evade police lead [OG]-p1mp43 and his clan to believe that he has an extremely low ping.

In the most surprising revelation of the killer's personality so far, experts seem convinced that he is gay. Said [OG]-p1mp43, "Oh yeah, he's totally gay. I mean, look at that card he left behind. Skeletons? 'I am god"?? Whatever. That's the gayest spray I've ever seen."
So far, clan [OG] has calculated that police should seek individuals who display the following characteristics:
  • Camper
  • AWP whore
  • Totally gay
  • LPB
  • Llama
  • No skillz n00b
  • Probable cheetz0r

Police are also taking into account the strong possibility that the killer may be using wallhacks, colored models, or other cheats to assist him in his killings. [OG]-p1mp43 stated in a press conference Tuesday, "The killer consistently fells victims with a single shot. No one can play like that. He is obviously using some sort of Aimbot, or more likely a combination of cheats such as OGC or XQZ2 because he is a no-skills punk bitch who couldn't otherwise hit the broad side of a barn with an MP5. This is clearly the mind of someone who has no respect for his fellow players, no skills in the game at all and seeks only to terrorize a server through the use of hacks. If he's such a bad-ass, let's see him play clean. I'd mop the floor with his sorry ass in a knife-fight any day."

Investigator David Reese, who is coordinating the profiler's findings with the FBI, assured the local residents that this information would soon lead to an arrest, "Clan [OG] has provided us with extremely useful information. At the recommendation of our CS experts, we are attempting to install PunkBuster on the area. This will hopefully prevent further instances of this blatant cheating and ease us in apprehending the responsible party. Rest assured that with this information, we will be able to admin_slap his ass into next week and assure that he is banned from all servers for life."

Added Reese, "The American people will not tolerate bullshit wallhackers."


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Well, I wouldn't want to end your pleasure at waiting for me to reply prematurely by replying anytime soon. In fact, allow me to do you the service of extending your pleasure indefinitely.

Oops, I guess I just ended your pleasure by replying. Please accept my apologies. simply write back, and I promise that I will not respond again.

I only have your pleasure in mind.

Your humble servant,


More fun with the NRA website:

Step 1: Click here to find out about NRA Online, the new "high quality Internet Service that helps promote and protect Second Amendment rights".

Step 2: Click on High-Speed Access.

Step 3: Read what they consider to be high-speed internet access.

Step 4: Laugh heartily, and consider that maybe their behind-the-timeness extends to their interpretation of the second amendment. While you're at it, read this quote regarding the new service from NRA Treasurer Woody Phillips: "So many people have requested a high-quality, pro-gun alternative to the mass market ISPs that we felt the time was right to launch one."

Yeah, a pro-gun ISP, seriously. You know, Earthlink's all right, but they just don't promote firearms enough.

So, you may recall that web game that I won a while back (I still haven't been asked to be on a talk show or write an advice column, I'm really disappointed). Well, on Saturday Ernie graciously handed me the big fat whopping $300 check. I haven't heard back from Rusty or Christine regarding how I should send their payment, but I've got Christine's address, and I'm assuming that Rusty doesn't want the money since he said so. I've already bought Shea's classroom some books with their portion of the prize winnings, and the remainder will be spent on myself. I won't spend it on rent, essential groceries, gas, or bills, since that would be boring. Instead I will start a money counter to the right showing just how much I have left, and each purchase will have an accompanying post here. So, it'll start at about $200, I think. I'll have to double check that when I get home, but it won't be spent in any sort of practical manner, that I can gaurantee.

Wow, the same day I came up with my Silent Scope theory, the Washington Post published an article detailing the resident's theories about the sniper, and of course the "video game enthusiast" theory came up fairly often. Okay look, I've played Silent Scope (oh, and Silent Scope 2), which does in fact use a replica of a sniper rifle as the interface mechanism for a game in which the protagonist snipes terrorists who have kidnapped the president and his family (not innocent gas-pumpers, oddly enough), and I'm willing to bet that I'm no better at using an actual sniping rifle than the next person.

In fact, not only does playing Silent Scope not make me an expert marksman, using a keyboard and mouse to play Quake and Counter-Strike, does not automatically give me the knowledge to clean and field-strip an M-16. In fact, a retired professional sniper said that using a sniper rifle to shoot people from 150 yards away is actually pretty easy for anyone to do, since the guns are so technologically advanced. I guess that a few rounds of Stuntman will not, sadly, give me the innate ability to get any car up on two wheels after all.

Shit, what did they blame killings on before video games were invented? People did know how to use guns before Doom came out, y'know. Why does everyone assume that using a gun is extremely hard to do? It's not. It's very very easy. That's why kids keep shooting themselves and their friends in the face with the loaded handgun that dad keeps next to the Old Turkey bottle in the unlocked liquor cabinet. If it's that easy to shoot someone to death on accident, imagine how easy it is to kill someone deliberately? Here, you know what? I'll give you all the knowledge that you need to be an effective user of a high-powered, scoped rifle at 150 yards:

  1. get rifle
  2. find person you want to die in scope, align with crosshairs
  3. when you want them to die, pull the trigger.

Not that I know a great deal about these things, but at 150 yards, you don't really need to worry too much about things like gravity and wind resistance, and even at that distance, a rifle shell is going to cause some severe damage to a target, probably fatal if you hit them in the chest area, which is pretty big. If this kook were a professional sniper, I'm pretty sure all the targets would be dead at that distance.

See, I saved you the 50 cents it would have cost you to play Silent Scope.

Never mind how whoever this person is got ahold of their high-powered, accurate sniper rifle. If we had less gun control laws, these horrible killings might not be happening at all, according to some gun nut groups. I guess if more people were carrying guns, the sniper might just shoot them in their holstered pistol instead of through the chest. You know, I've checked a few times over the past week, and although I haven't been monitoring it 24/7, I haven't seen this killer mentioned once in their news headlines. I wonder why not? Oh maybe because it further proves the point that guns fucking kill people!

Guns are designed to kill people. They have usability and ergonomic experts work on gun designs to make them easier to use, even for untrained people. All you need to be an instant serial killer is a gun and the will to do it. Hell, you could even do it with a knife if you don't want to be lazy. I could go out right now, buy a handgun, and I bet I could take out 10 folks before the police got me. But I'm not going to do it, and not only because I have Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on reserve, but because I have no desire to kill random people. So, to summarize, video games don't kill people, guns don't kill people, people kill people, but guns make it easy for crazy people to kill more people more easily.

What the world needs now is caffienated toothpaste.