Fun Fund Purchase: Ore-Ida's Funky Fries:
Cinna-Fries - $5
I know you shop at grocery stores, and I know you've been down the freezer aisle, seen the Funky Fries packages, and wondered to yourself what in the hell is wrong with Ore-Ida that they should see fit to produce blue fries, chocolate fries, and cinnamon fries. I also know that for one brief moment you considered purchasing them just to see what they're like, but then decided it wasn't worth your money or time to do so. I know these things because my spy robots have been following you to learn your fighting techniques, and here you are just wandering around the frozen food section of Safeway. You didn't even display your secret style once. These spy robots were a total waste of money.
"Well", I thought to myself, "as long as I'm blowing money on spy robots, I may as well buy these Funky Fries!" So I did. Now you don't have to waste your money finding out just what the reason behind their seasoning is. I admit that I purchased these before receiving the check from Ernie, but they've been languishing in my freezer for about a month, and the other night I finally got tired of Jimmy Neutron's puppy-dog eyes on the front of the package staring at me every time I went in there for an Otter Pop, pleading with me to at least try them. "Why did you buy me, Ken, If you're not going to eat me?", they said. Mostly I wasjust scared to eat them because Jimmy Neutron's eyeballs were talking to me, but I stabbed the bag a couple times with an icepick, and then they stopped, so I really had no good reason to put off eating them any longer, aside from the fact that they seem gross. Plus if I let them sit any longer they'd probably get freezer burn now that the bag had icepick-holes all through it.
"Sour Cream and Jive"-style seemed pretty straightforward and non-disgusting. The ring-shaped variety also seemed too mundane. Frankly, I don't get paid enough for this to try chocolate-flavored french fries, and the store I was in didn't carry the "Kool Blue" kind. Thus, it had to be "Cinna-Fries".
Cinna-Fries are borderline bizarre. One the one hand, as my roomate pointed out to me, potatoes and cinnamon sweetness are no strangers to each other. One puts applesauce and cinnamon on potato latkes, for example. On the other hand, these were cinnamon and sugar-encrusted French Fries, for crying out loud. I tried thinking of them like a really screwed-up take on the Churro, but I still couldn't reconcile the potato-ness, which I consider a savory food, with the cinnamon-ness, which may technically be a spice, but I still consider it a sweet food. Ami pointed out that they must have had focus groups and whatnot before producing these things, so they at least are probably not totally disgusting. For some reason a vision of Crystal Pepsi popped into my head.I shook the devil vision away fiercely, and with a burst of sheer will, did not prevent Ami from placing them on a cookie sheet and putting them in the oven.
It smelled vaguely like we were baking cinnamon rolls, which made the fact that we were actually baking French Fries just slightly more disturbing. After a few minutes, they emerged soft and squishy, but further study of the packaging revealed that "For crispier fries, wait 3 minutes before serving." Well, they probably should have said, "To avoid causing third-degree burns to your tongue and mouth, wait 3 minutes before serving.", because who the hell eats fries right out of an oven anyhow? Nobody dies, because anyone who tries that dies. I don't know, maybe it's a current Xtreme sport witht eh kids to eat burning hot foods or something. I haven't cooked fries out of a package for years, I may be out of the loop.
In true ghetto-tastic fashion, we just put the cookie tray right onto the coffee table and settled in for an evening of MST3K and strange food hybrids. You know, as long as you don't think to yourself: "Hey, I'm eating a french fry covered in cinnamon and sugar.", they're not really all that bad. Potato is a pretty subtle flavor. It's essentially a vehicle for whatever you want to put on it, like the bread of the vegetable kingdom. So, just as bread will readily accept PB&J or turkey and mustard, does the humble potato bend to the will of its dressing.
My roomate commented that some sugary ketchup would be nice. Ami pointed out that ketchup already has a lot of sugar in it, and I suggested dipping them in frosting instead. Then I think we all realized what was being proposed and didn't feel so good about the Cinna-Fries any more. Only about half of what we had prepared was actually eaten.
Although I can't really condone putting them in
trail mix, they do not offend the sensibilites of God or man, and would probably be pretty darn good with some applesauce. They are not bad food, but they are a misfit food. Where exactly in the western meal culture do they fit? They have the appearance of a side-dish, but the taste of a breakfast pastry. Although there's no real rules against it, who's going to want to a hamburger and cinnamon thingies? I guess breakfast is the place for them then, since cinnamon-ness and potato-ness both fit into the breakfast category of foods, but their fry shape would just be inappropriate next to cereal or eggs. If only they had simply marketed them as Cinnamon Potato Sticks, or Cinnamon-Tots instead of actual french fries, they may fare better.
Poor misunderstood Cinna-fries, doomed to sit on freezer aisle shelves until they are sent to the warehouse to make room for egg-filled frozen waffles or something. They really do evoke a sense of pity. They seem to embody incongruity, much like the octo-parrot or wine in a cardboard box, and like both these things, it probably never should have been created. If you want to try them, try them now while they still are in stores, for I don't think they will last much longer.
