OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODI'MSOEXCITEDOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!

This may be somewhat old news, but I was surprised to learn that the Blue's Clues guy (Steve Burns) is not only not dead, but he's a modern rocker, and he's not that bad. Not that I would run out and buy the album, but he's not that bad. After watching Death to Smoochy, I have been sure that every children's show host must harbor a dark secret (Except for Jim Henson, of course, but he wasn't so much a children's show host as he was a god). I gotta give Steve Burns props for being able to host children's TV and then leave it entirely behind.

Apparently Harry Anderson has recently opened a shop in New Orleans called "Spade and Archer" (From the the detective service in Maltese Falcon, apparently Harry's favorite movie). He sells magical curiosities and you can see the shop by appointment only apparently. I'll have to mark that down on my list places to go if I ever win the lottery.

I'm surprised that no one has done this already, at least not to my knowledge: Analog car horns. Sometimes you just need to give a little reminder that green means go, or try to get the attention of someone you know, and sometimes you need to tell the guy in the Camaro that you would appreciate it if he'd use his turn signals before cutting across five lanes and narrowly missing a collision with your fender. You should be able to get all of these functions from a single button.

The placement of personal ads on craigslist is very odd:

women seek women (sic)

women seeking men

men seeking women

casual encounters

men seeking men

missed connections

I would say they seem to be listed in descending order of their likelihood to culminate in a relationship, but that would make me a huge jerk.

So, the FDA has really got its panties in a bunch over nicotine-laced lollipops and lip balm. Admittedly, they have good reason for doing so, namely that the type of nicotine in question hasn't been fully tested. Gee, are they worried it might be.. y'know... addictive or something? Somehow I find it somewhat amusing that they're craking down on these lollipops, lip-balms and waters with nicotine in them, but the actual smoking of cigarettes, which you know is chock full o' carcinogens, is fine by them.

Another complaint is that these lollipops are going to get children hooked on nicotine and get them to pick up cigarettes. Hey guess what, kids don't start smoking because they want nicotine. They start smoking because it's cool, they stay for the nicotine, but they start because all of the bad kids are doing it. And everybody knows bad kids are the coolest.

And you know what, it's true. Smoking is cool. I mean, don't get me wrong, kissing someone who smokes is gross, it smells bad, it's irritating, cigarette butts all over the place is really disgusting, and emphysema and throat cancer are certainly not cool, and being addicted to anything is certainly not cool. However, once you remove all that stuff and boil it down to the act itself, it is extremely cool. It's all about the image (And nothing is less cool than Anti-smoking ads). How cool is someone who can blow smoke rings? That's right extremely cool. I don't think a bunch of teenagers are going to hang around behind the gym during lunch sticking nicotine-laced lollipops in their mouths. ("C'mon, have a lollipop, everyone's doing it, you wanna hang with us, dontcha?") Lollipops are not cool (Nevermind, that you could only get these lollipops with a prescription, whilst cigarettes can be hand for merely bribing a high school guy a dollar.). They can be cute, and occasionally sexy in a bizarre, wrong way (If slarved, for example), but they are not cool.

Lip balm is also not cool, and neither is water, they're just... utilitarian. None of these things possess the innate quality that makes cigarettes cool, namely: blowing smoke around and having a complete disregard for your personal health. I just can't believe that lollipops and lip balm are going to get the kids hooked. Now what really worked were those candy cigarettes back in the 80's. Those were the best, sticks of bubblegum wrapped in paper and (here's the cool part) a bunch of powered sugar that you could blow out in an imitation of a cloud of smoke. Now that had the smoke-blowing part of being cool. I admit I loved those things, but once I tried a real cigarette (important: suck, do not blow, the candy is misleading), and realized that they do not taste like candy so much as a lungful of burning ass, I didn't get any further with nicotine, fortunately.

So I propose the smoking industry, the ultimate product to get the kids hooked: Nicotine-laced bubblegum cigarettes! All the excellence of smoking without the lung cancer. Hell, I'd buy 'em. Tobacco companies, feel free to send me gobs of cash, and to all the anti-smoking groups: It's a novelty product intended for adults, please do not make a lame ad about me.

Yes! Someone has finally set up a page dedicated to the absolute bizarreness that is Gonterman! Anyone familiar with Mystery Usenet Theatre, truly, truly awful fanfiction, or the psychology of furries should check this out.

Now you can be just as psychic as Miss Cleo with the help of CourtTV's samples of "psychic" scripts. Man, how I would love to see the whole instruction manual on being a psychic.

Q: "What character narrates all but 3 of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "Sherlock Holmes" stories?"

A: ".... Pink Panther?"

I swear, they should have Playboy Bunnies on every time on the Weakest Link.

I encourage interested parties to peruse The Smoking Gun's collection of musical performer's tour riders. Those being the lists of items that concert promoters must provide an artist for them to perform a show at their venue. I can understand why it's absolutely necessary for Snoop Doggy Dogg to have a Playstation in his dressing room. Why Trent Reznor absolutely must have 2 boxes of corn starch, I have no idea.

Can you imagine how it must affect people to be able to control their environment so much? I would feel to much like I am imposing to request such specific and VERY IMPORTANT (!!!) things from a show's producer, were I to be a big famous rock star.

That or I would have to make utterly bizarre requests.

Dressing room must contain

• Comfortable seating for 10 people, to include 2 floral print couches, with non-matching upholstery on cushions.
  
• 1 lb uncooked raw hamburger
  
• fruit basket with assorted local seasonal fruits
  
• 2 gallons holy water (Catholic)
  
• 1 sack assorted nails/screws
  
• 15 yards of twine
  
• 5 coat hangers, no more and no less. VERY IMPORTANT!!!
  
• 1 puppy, adorable, but not sickeningly adorable.
  
• assorted things, y'know... just some cool stuff