Moustache.

A while ago, I grew a goatee, thus gaining 5 cool points, kept it for a couple months, then gained 5 more cool points by shaving it off. When I finally did, I shaved it off in stages like sort of real-life Wooly WIlly. These stages occurred all within the space of an evening.

First I went with the moustache and soul patch. I could also try the "just the soul patch" look by cover the 'stache with my fingers. Then came the jazz dot, and just the bushy 'stache (never again). Next... phew... this is pretty shameful to admit... the Hitler moustache.

I know... I know... I've don't like Hitler any more than the next guy, mostly because of that whole genocide thing, but also because he's a bigtime ruiner. He ruined what is now known as the "Hitler" moustache. Not that it's like, particularly cool-looking or anything, but now no one can wear a "landing strip" style moustache without reminding every one of a certain facist dictator.

Moustaches in general have a bad rap, not as bad as mullets, but certianly moreso than other types of facial hair. Facial hair in general says a lot to us about a person's character, and you can proabbly visualize the kind of facial hair I'm talking about when I say "Cop Moustache", "Child Molester Moustache", or "Handlebar Moustache". You probably enviisoned the last one along with a top hat and coattails, if not a tied-up maiden and some train tracks.

But the "Square Button" Hitler moustache is the worst. Not only that, his whole freakin' Nazi party did a wonderful job of ruining the swastika. Before that whole mess, it was a perfectly innocous and pleasant symbol of quite a few religions denoting well-being, but now the Nazis have ataches a bunch of hateful semantic to it, and now it's a symbol of hatred and intolerance. Fuckers.

And the "Heil" salute? if it wasn't for the Nazis, we'd have a perfectly good way of showing our appreciation at concerts without taking the effort of lifting both hands in the air, and waving them as if we didn't care. Nor would we have to hurt our hands trying to give AC/DC that devil-horn hand-sign (Which is remarkably close to the ASL sign for "I love you.", but I don't know if AC/DC can understand ASL.). WE could even synchronize our one-hand salutes and say, "Heil AC/DC!", but nooooo.... the stupid-ass Nazis had to make it so that the only thing you can "heil" like that is you-know-who!

They even had some really good typography and graphic design, but now everyone feels weird studying them because they were made by Nazis!

Thanks a pantload, Nazis! At least we got a really good generic enemy out of the deal, and by good I mean really bad. I felt kinda bad when I had to shoot the dogs in Wolfenstein 3D, but had no trouble at all peelin' caps into the Nazis.

Now, I know many people fighting for Germany in World War 2 may not have really cared much for facism and were probably just trying to prevent getting arrested for disagreeing with the porno-pube-moustache-wearing madman, but if you meet a character in a video game or see one in an action movie who is wearing a Nazi uniform, you don't have to stop and think about motives or reasons or feelings, you just know instinctively that he is a devout follower of Hitler, an anti-semite, a homophobe, and just general a hoteful human being who you shouldn't concern yourself with after Indiana Jones throws him into a wheat thresher or something.

And what about Fascism? I don't even know what the philosophical tenets of Fascism are! I just know that they're bad because the Nazis liked them. It could be a valid form of government that the Nazis did all wrong, like Stalin did with communism. I guess I'll never know, because I'm certainly not going to be seen reading "A Fascist Primer for Curious Aryans" on the light rail.
Fortunately, the Volkswagen managed to recover from the Nazi stigma. Fortunately, the Volkswagen recovered from the whole crappy-car stigma, too.

For the most part, I guess we should just consider ourselves lucky that Hitler had bad taste in facial hair, as dictators seem to have. I mean, what if Hitler had worn a nicely-trimmed goatee? Or a baseball cap?

Heya kids! It's time for Captain Ken's insensitivity theater!

"Who do you think would win in a fight: Stephen Hawking or Christopher Reeve?"

So Otter Pops were on sale for only $5.00 a box which may not sound like such an incredible deal, until you recall that Otter Pops are sold in Boxes of 100. That comes out to a nickel a pop (Little Orphan Orange? It's the popsicle with dead parents!). This is why I bought 150 Otter Pops. It's not like I have an Otter Pop problem, they were just really really cheap.

And we have this Albertson' Citron Vodka, which can be easily inserted into said Otter Pops via a syringe (Like a monoject, you guys, I don't have hypodermic neeldes lying around the house, or in a little box in the back of my sock drawer!), This creates the Vodder Pop. However, the injection process leaves a little hole, thus they must be kept in an upright position in the freezer, so the "juice" doesn't leak out, since the vodka will never freeze.

This is why there were a dozen Otter pops standing in a Jamba Juice plastic travel mug inside the freezer. The freezer is also full of lots of other things. This is why said Jamba Juice travel mug was precariously balanced upon an open sack of frozen peas. considering these facts, I do not believe I should be held 100% liable for the event wherein I got something from the freezer, disturbing the precious balancing act that is our various half-eaten frozen vegetables, ice cream buckets, and cinnamon-flavored French fries, and, when my back was turned I might add, the subsequent falling towards the floor of the aforementioned Jamba Juice travel mug full of half-frozen vodka-infused Otter Pops.

I will, however, take full responsibility and credit for the act wherein I heard the falling of the Jamba Juice travel mug, whipped around, and, after the Jamba Juice travel mug completed one full rotation along its Y axis, managed to catch it and maintain all of the contents in an upright position without spilling any Otter juice, a mere foot and a half from the kitchen floor.

I had to stand like that for a full 10 seconds to appreciate how cool that was.

"Whoa... I know Kung-Fu..."

Okay, I bet this has already been done, but I couldn't find any evidence of it in my internet searches: Bagging a movie on mp3, MST3K-style.

I read the Salon piece (Really, I do read more than just Salon... sometimes.) about DVDTracks, a site which will link you to mp3s you can play as voice-over commentary to a film tha tyou play on your TV. Instant fanboy commentary, even on a VHS tape.

If it hasn't been done already, I expec there to be home-brew version of mockalicious commentary on famous stinkers like Armageddon and Waterworld soon enough. I've read a few Mystery Usenet Theater bits, and I know there are some funny motherfuckers out there. I've even seen MSTings of films that one reads like an anime translation, but wouldn't it be better to put the mp3 on one's computer and listen along?

In other news, LaughLab has concluded their year-long experiment to find the world's funniest joke. Ignoring the fact that all this experiment actually did was determine a joke that most of the people who visited the website thought was funniest out of the number that were made available, the poll did produce some interesting results.

Also, the result that North Americans found jokes establishing superiority to be especailly funny was interesting, probably because we are jealous of Europeans. English-speaking Europeans apparently find jokes involving wordplay to be very entertaining. No word yet on how jokes about farting are received. Also, they have concluded that the funniest amount of words for a joke is 103. 103 is indeed a very funny number. Not as funny, in my opinion as 38, or 4, but funny nonetheless.

Oddly enough, exactly 38% of a joke's funnyness (don't ask me to cite my sources, for I have none) is in its delivery. All the jokes on the website were simply text jokes for the audience to read. No comedic pause, vocal tone, facial expressions or gesticulaiton can be described in such a manner. At best, this survey could really only tell us which joke is the funniest to read.

Ironically enough, I find the concept of someone trying to determine the world's funniest joke pretty damn funny.

Iraqi Vice-president Taha Yassin Ramadan has suggested the possibility of a duel between Bush and Hussein in order to settle their disputes without endangering the lives of American or Iraqi people. I was thinking the exact same thing this morning, but I fear the result, since Saddam would probably, in all honesty, kick George's ass in any sort of physical or violent competition.

But drinking games on the other hand...

Anyhow, I would like to point out at this point, that S.O.C.O.M. Navy Seals supports multiplayer over the internet. Maybe EvilNinja.net should expand its Buy Bush a PS2 Campaign to buy one for Saddam Hussein, too.

New romatic Adam Ant was recently charged with brawling, which is apparently an actual name for a crime in England (I wonder if tomfoolery or roguish behavior are arrestable offenses.). Seems he was mocked by pubgoers for his flatcap and combat jacket, threw a car alternator through the window and threatened them with a fake wartime starter pistol. What the hell he was doing with a car alternator and am imitation starter pistol is beyond me, but he's certainly got one up on Eminem for style. Now if only the pub where these antics had occurred had been named the Forbidden Zone, then I would know that someone with a sense of humor really is running the show.

Sadly, Ant was comitted to a hospital due to the mental disorder which apparently caused this outburst. As much as I approve of the deicision to detain him for his own safety and for the safety of others, and hopefully to facilitate his recovery, there's something very depressing about the thought of Ant being held in such an institution. Especially since they haven't yet locked away Morrissey or Pete Burns. Maybe they should create a special home for pioneers of obsolete music/fashion movements, or they should at least have a comedy sketch about it.

So, I've got to wonder, it seems like a lot of people who build a career and fame on their own flamboyance must at least be a little bit touched int he head. Even if not, being hugely famous must affect people in strange ways, giving them god complexes or inflated senses of entitlement. Maybe celebrity itself is a mental disorder. Maybe I'm reading too much into an alternator tossed through a pub window.

Well, oddly enough, my horoscopes were pretty much entirely inaccurate. No romance entered my life today that wasn't already there. If my charm is currently at an all-time high, I may as well become a hermit, and if I put any more efforts into real esate... well, that would be that much more wasted effort.

In short, based on the data shown in my experiment, and considering the fact that I am not really going to bother with a control group or multiple iterations, I conclude that horoscopes are bunk.

Yet, lots of people seem to place a great deal of faith in them. At least psychic readers can pick up a little bit about you from your appearance and mannerisms before beginning to ask leading questions and attempting to trick you into believing that they have some sort of insight into your existence that you don't. Horoscopes are just one guy or gal typing out twelve wishy-washy paragraphs a day. And somehow the ability to check it online just seems to defeat any last shred of mysticism it could possibly have, like putting a dowsing rod on a palmpilot or getting an instant message from the virgin Mary.

Generally horoscopes seem to have the same sort of vague advice such as, "If you are harried and have your mind on other things, you may forget something when leaving the house." or "Failing to focus on finances may lead to unfortunate circumstances.", which is good advice, I guess, but not something that's really going to help me with any day in particular. Oh, maybe I should be understanding of others today. What's that? It's bad for me to worry about things I cannot control? Is there nothing the stars cannot foretell?

But some people check it like the weather, and put just as much faith in it, which I really don't understand. I'm sure people don't really expect to see any sort of practical predictions presented like, "Wear a hardhat to work today. Trust me." But I suppose it's just a day brightener, since it usually tells you what a fantastically charming and personable individual you are. Really, I've tried reading every zodiac sign's daily forecast and not one said, "You know, you really are a jerk/bitch. You know why nobody likes you? It's because you're extremely unpleasant, boring, and mean." I mean, what sign were all the assholes of the world born under? Maybe there's a special secret hidden sign. I've never met an asshole Libra to my knowledge, but apparantly, according to MSN, every one of the folks born between September 22nd and October 22nd had their charm at an all-time high yesterday. I didn't see any headlines about how bizarrely charming the world became. Does NASDAQ even publish these stastics?

However, if astrology really does work and you have pretty much the same kind of day that one-twelfth of the world's population is having, that's pretty depressing.

You know what? I'm a freakin' astrologer. That's right, I got my MA in the Western Predicative Arts with an Emphasis on Reading Your Future in the Stars. Here's my magic horoscope generator's personalized content for you for today. This amazing horoscope generator is gauranteed to be accurate at least 75% of the time or your money back:

Today is going to be pretty much a regular day. You're going to feel the same way you usually do. If someone asks you how you are, your impulse will be to say, "fine", or "okay".

Small events during the day will brighten or darken your mood on a very marginal level, but nothing memorable will occur. If asked one year from now what you were doing on this particular day, you will not be able to distinguish it from any other.

You will concern yourself with your finances, your love life, and your future, but will not do much of anything to effect these situations in any significant way. You will wonder what you should do to try and become more happy, or likeable, or simply more interesting, but you won't decide on what to do or muster up the courage to do it.

Now go out there and prove my prediction wrong.

Remember these?

"Hey kids! Pretend you're sliding towards your imminent death in icy cold ocean waters!"

Ah yes, the commercialization of tragedy has never been more fun!

Which on-line astrology tool is the most accurate?
Here are today's horoscopes for me from a variety of sources. Let's see which one is closest to the truth!

• Astrology.com: You're still coasting along on good intentions. You suddenly see a broad array of possibilities. The details are not important at this time.
  
  
• Astrology.com Teen Horoscope: There's no doubt about it -- Libras like to be in pairs, and that's especially true now. However, you want to be asked rather than doing the asking. Luck is with you -- your talent for the stage comes in handy.
  
  
• Master Rao's Chinese Horoscope: Calculate, make projects in order to plug up the gaps in your patrimony or bank account. Very favorable day for amorous relationships; you'll be in festive mood. You'd wish to make a pause so as to savor the pleasures of life instead of continuing to battle with your professional problems. Your home life will cause you may problems but, with courage, you'll overcome them.
  
  
• Astroadvice.com: Be prepared to compromise. You should put your efforts into real estate. Take a drive through areas that you'd like to live in. Don't let your emotions get the better of you.
  
  
• MSN: Jump at the chance to explain your side of the story; the entertaining aspects of who you are and where you have been will increase your popularity. In general, your charm is at an all-time high.
  
  
• Yahoo: The more you express yourself today, the hotter the fire will burn all around you, dear Libra. Take advantage of the spark in the air and make the most of the fun-loving quality of energy that surrounds you. You will find that the things you put into motion will quickly expand to great proportions Have confidence in your ideas and show this to people by the way you hold yourself. Love and romance is most definitely in the cards for you today.
  

Yyyyeah. Well, let's go into this with an open mind and see which of our astrological competitors comes out with my endorsement for most accurate based on this unscientific and ill-conceived experiment!

I don't know why everyone thinks Michael Jackson is so strange. I mean... of course he's strange, but I know if I had more money than was even remotely reasonable, I'd probably get myself a pet monkey and build an amusement park in my backyard. It's pretty obvious to me that the guy really just wants to try having a childhood. He's spent his whole entire life being famous, even when he was a little kid.

I've heard that women who have the "little girl" voice generally experienced some kind of traumatic experience during their childhood. Michael Jackson certainly has the "little boy" voice, and his childhood was certainly not normal. That's probably why he likes kids so much, all molestation charges aside.

I think a lot of people may just be jealous. Can you honestly say that you don't want a pet monkey?

If you could please all quiet down, so that I may recite this poem to you?

Thank you.

*Ahem*... "Regarding Labyrinth in Limerick Form"

I know that some have objected,
to the fact that Jareth was rejected,
but it's a good thing
that she turned down the king,
for we didn't see his thing erected.

(Thanks (?) to Jo-Anne for the pic.)

So, I've got this great idea for a musical in which there's this songwriter guy who falls in love with an aspiring dancer at a hip Manhattan nightclub, and he tries to cope with the fact that she has a feces fetish. I call it "Coprocabana".
(Tip o' the keyboard to Ari on that one.)