So I seem to have mastered the secret ninja art of turning off my alarm clock without awakening. This, however, is bad. I don't know if such a device exists, but I think what I need is an alarm clock that requires more than the simple sliding of a lever to deactivate, like a Rubix cube puzzle or something. Of course, I'm not the most astute puzzle-solver in the world at 6:45 in the morning...

I think that we, by which I mean humanity, should strive towards a utopia where alarm clocks are a thing of the past. If everybody got enough sleep, I think it would solve a number of the world's troubles.

And also in the "Profitable Paranoia" department: Hot new Fall school accessory! Isreali Gas Masks! Which is not so odd in and of itself, as the outlet that is selling them. Man, bondage and surplus shops must be running out of stock if the demand is this high. Personally, I hope it sparks a new fashion trend.

Okay, so now there's flag infomercials. Act now and get a second one ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Bleagh, Hot Pockets and other instant foods should come with a warning label that reads: "Caution: Consumption of product may cause extreme depression, especially if you're sitting at home by yourself and you have no time to cook because you're tired from working all the time, and you don't have the motivation to do so anyway, and what makes you think you can ever get a better job that doesn't wear you out if you don't even have the initiative to cook yourself an actual meal?!!?"

Okay, maybe only my Hot Pockets should come with this warning.