Speaking of congress' recently electing George Jr. to the position Almighty Warlord Bushtar the Invincible, if you signed MIchael Moore's online pledge to urge democratic senators to vote the way that pretty much all democrats want them to vote ("No", just in case you were wondering.) or else we wouldn't vote for them anymore, you can now only vote for the following senators.

Boxer (CA), Graham (FL), Akaka, (HI), Inouye (HI), Durbin (IL), Mikulski (MD), Sarbanes (MD), Kennedy (MA), Levin (MI), Stabenow (MI), Dayton (MS), Wellstone (MS), Corzine (NJ), Conrad (ND), Wyden (OR), Reed (RI), Jeffords (VT), Leahy (VT), Murray (WA), Byrd (WV), Feingold (WC), Kohl (WC)

Forgive me if I used any improper state acronyms. Oh, and what's this? One republican senator, Chafee of Rhode Island, voted no. Way to go, Chafee! I guess that goes to show that not everybody feels that they have to follow the party line.

I am now 9126 days old.

Remember kids, on the day you turn 25 years old, it is your 26th birthday, but your 25th birthday anniversary.

It's important that you specify these things.

So far I had a lovely nighttime park picnic with homemade bruschetta, brownies, and Dr. Pepper in a wine glass. Drinking soda from wine glasses, champagne flutes or glass slippers is one of my favorite things.. mmm... perceived beverage class juxtaposition. I also received some lovely Nicole Miller Godzilla socks (85% of my underwear and sock collection is composed of novelty items. That way if I'm ever stuck for something funny to say, I can just drop my pants and get a laugh.), a mix CD, another dope postcard for my wall and a super-killer fish painting, with a homemade frame! I also got to commandeer the TV and watch Pod People. A groovy birthday, and my super party hasn't even happened yet! Being 25 kicks ass so far.

On a sad note, Bigmeats.net is going out of business. Jump over there and read it until your eyes bleed just in case you missed anything. Fouff is a funny motherfucker and either a fantastic gonzo journalist, or someone who's really good at making up gonzo journalism experiences.

Apparently congress did not hear that it was my birthday and, against my wishes, and the wishes of pretty much everyone in the whole world, voted the president one step closer to supreme ultra-commander of the world. To all my non-American readers, and I know there are at least a few, I would like to apologize on behalf of my country for apparently being hell-bent on initiating WW3.

On the bright side, the Russians have overcome their space program's financial woes by collaberating with their state-owned First Channel to devise a fantastic new reality game show concept in which the winners will get to travel to the International Space Station. I understand Lance Bass' application was rejected outright.

Well, Americans have been appropriating television show concepts left and right for the past few years. Maybe NASA will pick up the ball and sign a contract with NBC to shoot some telegenic 20-somethings into the stratosphere. I'd like to proactively acknowledge my interest in this program.

Dear NASA, If you let me on your possible future game show, I promise not to sleep with any of the other contestants or stick my fingers in the peanut butter or get drunk on camera. I'll even forgive you for not getting me a birthday present.

...

You know, I say that facetiously, but wouldn't it be nice if the U.S. government, somewhere amidst all these things like voter info pamphlets, tax forms, and jury duty summons, saw fit to send you a card on your birthday? I mean, they obviously know where you live if you're registered to vote, and they know how old you are and when your birthday is. Would it really be that hard to print up a little card and mail it to birthday boys and girls? The only midly birthday-related thing i've received from Uncle Sam was on my 17th birthday when they sent my mandatory military registration form. "Happy Birthday! You're now a man! How about fighting for your country?" They didn't even get my age right. Sometimes I feel like the government jsut doens't really carea bout me as a person, sometimes, y'know? It's onyl interested in sex.

I did receive a phone call from president George W. Bush the other day, though. He left a message on my answering machine urging me to vote for our republican candidates, since they support his "agenda". Yeah, he used that word. "Agenda" is such a creepy term. Brrrrr... Well, he said it, not me. He's got an agenda. I was pretty sure that the president was supposed to be fair, unbiased, and impartial and not.. y'know, call me up and leave spooky messages about how I should vote republican, but maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

Not like I was going to vote republican anyhow, but I have a strict policy of not voting for anyone who leaves pre-recorded answering machine messages. For instance, I know that I'm going to vote for Ed Voss for city council. I have no idea what his party is, or even his position on any of the issues, but I'm voting for him because the other candidates left pre-recorded messages on my answering machine, and Ed Voss showed up at my house personally to talk to the voting public. That shows character and commitment, so I'm voting for him. I just hope he's not on the Nazi ticket or something becuase then I might experience some kind of moral dilemma, and I hate those.

Okay, this East Coast sniper cockwad is really pissing me off. You know why? He obviously thinks he's hot shit. Stealing a gigantic diamond from a high-security museum and leaving a calling card in it's place is cool. It's wrong, but it's cool. Shooting an innocent 13-year-old kid and leaving a tarot card claiming that you're god is lame and stupid. Ooh, the tarot death card! Wow that's so fucking clever! How mysteeeerious and vexing for the befuddled police department!

Death card, pfffft... that's only the most obvious and played-out thing to do. Why don't you leave the frickin' ace of spades while you're at it?

So you're a good shot, congratulations. Guess what, it's not that tough to shoot people with a sniper rifle when they have no idea they're being shot at. You're not god, you're a coward who wants to play make-believe that he's some sort of criminal genius. Criminal geniuses use their amazing intellect to pull off incredible heists and comabt super-heros, not take shots at random civilians for no reason.

I'm willing to bet the perpetrator is a teenager, a teenager that nobody likes.

You know how there was the summer of Sam, and the Zodiac Killer and Jack the Ripper, all these groovy serial killer names? Well, this punk doens't deserve one. Instead, they should cal him the Ignoble Dipshit or something similar. Even the word "sniper" sounds too cool to apply to this coward.

I swear if he claims he was inspired by Silent Scope or something similar when they finally catch him, they should kick him in the balls twice for every victom before they string him up.

Games games games...

A South Korean man died yesterday after playing games for 86 hours straight. 86 hours.

Looking at websites for Mac games and gay gamers at work today. Not sure which to hide first when people swing by my cube. I'm pretty sure many people here think I'm gay now, since I expressed the fact that I don't care for them calling each other "fags" during deathmatches. I know nothing's really meant by it, but jeez, can't they be a little more creative? I usually try to be a little more colorful in my shit-talking.

Anyhow, I was reading this thread on which video game characters gay gmers find hot. When I'm a producer, you can bet my titles will have cross-sexuality appeal. I have yet to see a single game with a gay protagonist... well... a clearly homosexual protagonist, I should say. I started work on a game with a lesbian protagonist once, who was also an alien... actually, she came from a race that didn't have any males so.. whatever, it was scrapped.

When I'm a producer, though... oh yeah... one day...I think I'll ask for a clearly gay character to be inserted into whatever fighting title is being made, and make him havea slight advantage over the other characters. Then arcade-goers will have to overcome their trepidation at having a gay avatar. Ha ha ha! I'm a genius! I'll be fired so fast!

Apparently a tongue-mounted vibrator currently exists! I still can't imagine that the benefits outweigh the sensation of having one's tongue buzzing, but Playboy recommends it.

(Thanks to Scott for the link.)

More fun with google:

White bloggers seem to prefer "mwah ha ha!" to indicate a sinsister laugh.

Using "Puah ha ha!" to indicate a sinsiter laugh seems to appeal most to Asian-American bloggers.

No one says "Puah ha ha" more than Min Jung.

Coke is supposed to go with everything.

Denim is supposed to go with everything.

Coke does not go with denim. Discuss.

Did you know that Sledge Hammer apparently never actually shot anyone at all in the TV series Sledge Hammer!?

Speaking of Sledge Hammer!, did you know that Danny Elfman wrote the theme song?

Speaking of shows for which Danny Elfman wrote the theme song, did you know that for the first season of the Simpsons, Smithers was black?

Speaking of Smithers, did you know that the other night I had a dream in which Mr. Burns drank his own urine to prove how tough he was?

Speaking of drinking one's own urine, did you know that urine therapy is pointless, not to mention really disgusting?

Speaking of pointless things, try googlefight. It's fun though, not disgusting. I've tried determining victors of imaginary battles with google before, but googlefight makes it easy! (Thanks to Dave for the link.)

In an odd little bit of sychronicity, I spotted this link to an article about talking with your kids about Fascism. (Link from Fark.) According to this fellow, Facism is about creating a culture of war, misleading the people, having an all-powerful leader, and squashing personal freedoms. I think I can say more confidently now that fascism does seem to suck pretty hard. He also cites this interesting little quote:

"Naturally the common people don't want war But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

-Hermann Goering

Goering... wasn't he?... oh.... Uh oh...

Hey kids! Once again it's time for Fun with the Patent Office!

Don't have the time or resources to maintain an actual candle? Try a virtual candle! Just like a real candle, it costs money, will burn slowly over time, eventually extinguishes, and needs to be checked on occasionally to make sure it hasn't gone out. But it's got the added advantage of... um... being on your computer!

Kids everywhere will love the Handheld Rosary Teacher. From what I can tell, it's sort of like a Catholic Speak N' Spell. Plus you can wear it!

Now I know they could sell a million if they combined that one with the Talking Vibrator!. Nothing like a well-realized reward system for helping people memorize their Hail Mary's.

A local Mountain view man has come up with something that should have been blatantly obvious from the get-go: the Vibrating Tongue Piercing. I wonder why nobody has so far produced tongue-mounted vibrator? Oh yeah, probably because that would be really irritating to have one's tongue buzzing around like an epilectic slug. I bet if you've got one installed, you could talk like a robot!

And finally, The Diaper Alarm will let you when diapers become soiled with urine! Really, though. If you can't tell when your diapers are wet, you probably shouldn't be wearing them in the first place.

Addendum: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!