Now is the time to get all the information about your presidential candidates and start thinking about whom you'd like the next president to be. Fortunately, vote-smart.org provides information on all the candidates available to us, although some of that information seems to reamin from the previous administration, but it's still relevant today, I think. Remember that you don't just have two choices this coming election year. For example consider these republican alternatives to our current leader:

Ms. Yehanna Joan Malone
"Rowe vs Wade state that the F. can be aborded if the feet come out first; I believe that this is illegal, it is murder because the feet are the last part of the body to be form. So you are killing a child by stabbing them in the head thru the stomac. "

Ms. Mildred T. 'Millie' Howard
"Non-profit organizations are "'UNCONSTITUTIONAL.'"

Hey, at least they bothered to fill out their own positional statements, our incumbent president's positional statements are all "Bush this...", "Bush that..." unless he's pulling a Dole and talking about himself in the third person. Well, at least I learned that his favorite ice-cream flavor is Pralines and Cream from his fun facts page.

This Mr. James John Prattas is a republican even I could vote for, however.
"No man has the right to tell women what to do with their bodies. Pardon the marijuana people. College is FREE if you qualify."

The democratic options are all pretty boring, sadly. A lot of them apparently refuse to fill out their positional statements. That sounds pretty much like what I would expect. Only one of them seems even remotely entertaining.

Mr. Albert 'Al' Hamburg (One of his hobbies is writing letters to the editor.)
His laissez-faire attitude about the middle east seems pretty solid:
"Let them crazy Arabs kill each other the world will be a better place"
And a whiz-bang catch-all solution to both America's drug woes and illegal immigration:
"Order that all dopers and illegal alliens have ten days to move to Mexico. After that all dopers (even those US citizens) and illegal aliens and those who employ illegal aliens would be sterilized and forced into Mexico."

Green party is all to sensible and dull.

The Libertarians have this guy though!

Mr. Kip Lee
"My planks in this paper is that I will immediately release space ship captives from 2 crashed ships near Roswell, NM. This took place after 11:30 P.M. on July 4th, 1947."
Well, it's about time someone did the right thing for those guys.

Natural Law and Reform parties apparently have no candidates. Oh well, it's not like they were going to make a difference anyhow. Okay, where are the crazies? The Independent, Mini-Parties and Write-In candidates must have a few of those. There are a few people in there who actually seem to want to help America prosper and encourage us all to come togather and help each other, which is very nice, but I'm looking for something a little more wacky than that. Such as:

With a name like Mr. Freddy Irwin 'Messiah' Sitnick, he's got to be good!
"What I would do if I became President!! End poverty End crime End insanity International prosperity End polution End suffering etc. Love, Messiah God's Son King of Israel"

Mr. Brian Baker Springfield gets my vote based on his fun facts alone.
Favorite Food: Coffee
Favorite Movie: 'Enter the Dragon'
Favorite Book: 'Elvis A to Z'
Favorite Type of Music: 80s big hair bands, anything on 8 track.

Mr. Robert B. Winn is running for president of bizzarro America, I believe. But at least he's honest enough to put down "Prisoner, Psychiatric Ward" as part of his professional experience.

"Crime could eventually be eliminated if trials by jury were allowed to take place." Don't they?
"The government should stop rewarding juvenile crime and stop punishing victims of juvenile crime." They do?
"Colleges have become places for the children of the priveleged to learn how to steal from their fellow man." I must've missed that class. Dang!
A lot of his stances really do make a lot of sense, though.
"Stop the activities of insane people in medical science." Well, I do agree with his firm anti-mad-scientist stance.
"People in public office should be asked to stop using illegal drugs." Anti-craskhead politicians, that's good.
"The internet is largely a waste of time." Can't argue with that.

Maybe we should just forgo the whole election process, since Mr. Caesar Saint Augustine is apparently already the Emperor of America.
"I am allready Emperor of the United States. The United States was over thrown by myself back in September of 1996 on Public Access Cable. All will be answered when I am in control."

Mr. Robert William Gottier plans to sigtnificantly reduce America's population and replace internal combustino engines with gravity engines, which are lofty ideas, but probably not very realistic. However, he's more down to Earth on other issues:
"But I will mantain adequate military power. But they will probably be easily beaten by aliens from other planets. " Yeah, probably.
"Every American should be guaranteed adequate food, clothing, shelter, a thirteen year education, some medical care, and some dental care some money for: hobbies, entertainment, dating, and for prostitute(s) (not a high-paying job)." Nope, it sure isn't. I mean, uh... gauranteed hooker money? Sweet!

And to wrap it up, here's the fun facts for Mr. Randy Wade Sutherland:

Articles or Books Written by the Candidate:
'I HAVE WRITTEN BOOKLETS, CONSPIRACY PLOT AGAINST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE RANDY Sutherland. I RAN FOR MAYOR THEN PRESIDENT. MIRACLE I SAW HAPPEN ON EASTER DAY 1995.'

Favorites:
Favorite Book: Bible.

Pets:
'Babe (TAKEN FROM ME BY THE CONSPIRACY PLOT AGAINST ME!)'

Astrological Sign:
Scorpio

Sadly, I know none of these more interesting folks will win, but I think the election should really have other categories so that the losers can feel at least a little consoled. Here are a few ideas:

Best Fun Facts:
Best Name: Mr. Max Hacker
Best Party Name: Mike's Party - Mr. Michael Ross Tunick Strauss
Best Hair: Ms. Temperance Alesha Lance-Council