Like many people across America, I recently say Ang Lee’s interpretation of The Incredible Hulk (it’s really quite good, BTW), and like many of those who have seen it, I am wondering, “How big is the Hulk’s penis?”

Shut up, you know you’ve thought about that too, but did you ever do anything about it? No. But how can we make a guess as to the dimensions of the big green man’s little green man? I tried a few courses of speculative investigation, and the results I came up with were rather surprising.

We could go with a simple ratio-based guess on Sources are in disagreement as to Banner's and The Hulk's actual height, however. Though in the movie he appears to be up to 12 feet tall, some sources say he is apparently only 5' 9", and grows to 7' in his green Hulk form. Others say 5' 9.5" and7' 6". However, the Hulk Library, which seems to be the primary source of Hulk info on the net, goes with the lower range.

The average adult Caucasian’s penis is 5.5 to 6 inches in length and 1.5 inches in diameter (Source (NSFW)), unless the adult Caucasian is a woman, in which case she doesn’t have one. Let us assume, for the purposes of this perverse post, that Banner falls between these two extremes at 5.75 inches in length with a 1.5 inch circumference.

Now then, when Banner Hulks out, he grows to 1.2 times his former height. Using this ratio, his penis would be just under 7 inches long. But his girth increases much more dramatically. Judging by illustrations, it would appear that that increases by at least 3 times. So let’s say 3 just for argument’s sake. That would put his penile circumference at about 4.5 inches, or about a 1.4 inches diameter. While this is nothing to scoff at, it’s certainly not the type of manhood I would assume a man of such size would have.

However, though numerical guesswork and sloppy mathematics may be good enough for speeches about tax cuts, it may not be the best course to apply in this case. The Hulk's... umm... hulking frame certainly suggests a relationship with something more simian, primitive perhaps than with something human, as though he is devolving. His strength goes up, his intelligence goes down, and he reverts to a more bestial nature. If he shares more… intimate physical traits with our stronger, less sapient cousins, or with our evolutionary forebears, I should forward him some of this spam e-mail. The average length of a gorilla penis is only 1 1/4 inches. Primitive man doesn’t do much better (NSFW?) in the schlong department either, if artist’s renderings are any indication.

Then again, you know what they say about men with big feet, don'tcha? The Hulk certainly has big hands. Well, research indicates that they were talking out of their ass.

Since Bruce always takes the precaution of wearing apparently infinitely elastic jeans (pants magic), we may never know for sure, but we can always take a deep breath and try to glean some idea of what he’s packing by risking a look at Hulk’s crotch. Hmmm… that doesn’t look comfortable. Maybe it’s the chafing that makes him so ornery. In any case, with pants that tight, we should be seeing some sort of outline, but as far as I can tell, it’s as smooth as a bowling ball.

Perhaps part of the Hulk’s rage does come from a sort of misplaced aggression at his own “shortcomings” shall we say. Of course, nothing can be proven until Stan Lee or Marvel comes forward and delivers an exact figure. Until that day, however, I will now refer to refer to myself as the man more hung than the Hulk.

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Super Extra Fun Project!! Go to images.google.com and type in "piltdown man" (with the quotation marks). Now go to the third page of pictures and look in the lower-left corner. One of these things is not like the other.