You know what? Fuck it. No more disclaimers. None. Some idiot died while trying to simulate a stunt seen on Jackass. Yes, I know one shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but he wouldn't be dead if he weren't such an idiot.

So how about we just take all the disclaimers in front of Jackass or in front of Beavis and Butthead, or before World's Scariest Police Chases ("Warning: Being chased by the police is not actually totally awesome.") and just use that time to show the viewing audience a few more seconds of Johnny Knoxville slathered in bacon fat and skateboarding in Notre Dame? 17.3% of MTV's airtime is dedicated to disclaimers! It's not like the kind of person who watches someone light themselves on fire on TV and thinks, "I want to try that!" reads things anyhow.

I remember writing a paper back in high school giving the argument for taking disclaimers off of everything and just letting those people who want to drink shampoo just go ahead and do it. Of course, I didn't have as in-depth a knowledge of the American litigational system as I do now, and my creative writing teacher told me that the paper had a certain facsist flavor to it, but I think certain key points were valid.

1. There's a cerrtain amount of common sense the good lord gives a person when they are born.
2. Okay, maybe not everyone.
3. People without common sense imitate dangerous stunts and sometimes die doing so.
4. That's fine with me.

I mean, I guess one could argue that having a lack of common sense is genetic, and that disclaimers are there for the benefit of people with such a disability, but it's not like we let people with "Always late, but worth the wait!" driver's license frames park in handicapped spaces just because they're cursed with awful taste and no sense of humor. At least we shouldn't be giving the sensibly-challenged driver's licenses. It's not like we have to be sensitive about referring to dumbasses in casual speech. Like, I pretty much refrain from telling jokes about wheelchair-bound people when they're one in the room, but if I start off a knee-slapper with "Okay, so this dumbass walks into a bar..." I never get cut short by someone going, "Hey, that's not funny. I'm a dumbass."

So maybe dumbasses should take responsibility for their own condition. The guy driving the car, in all likelihood, had a driver's license. Clearly his condition prevented him from operating the car in a safe manner. Why don't they check for that kind of behavior when they hand the things out? Couldn't they just make applicants sign a form that says, "I attest, under penalty of law, that I am not fucking retarded. X_________", or maybe sneak it into the written portion of the driver's test somehow?

My primary use for this vehicle will be:

A) Daily commuting (<50 miles)
B) Frequent long trips (>100 miles)
C) Occasional long trips. (>100 miles)
D) Awesome STUNTS!!!

(D Would be wrong of course, unless you've passed the stunt driving portion of the driving test and earned an S class License.)

And while they're at it, they could just put special plates on the car. In fact, why not a whole slew of new specialized symbols to help us better identify different types of drivers? I know that I tire of examining every single car in adjacent lanes for telltale signs that they're about to veer haphazardly into my lane without signaling. Think how much easier it would be to identify problem drivers with the following helpful plates:

Caution: Dumbass

Caution: Asshole

Caution: Older than hell

I've thought of going geurilla with a stencil and some spraypaint and just glazing "BAD DRIVER" across the trunks of people who exhibit clearly dangerous and idiotic driving habits. However, I did a little research and learned that doing this would actually be illegal. Can you believe that?!

It's almost as though the dumbasses are writing the laws...

Disclaimer: The author is a professional crank. Do not attempt to rant in this manner at home. Doing so can result in tension headaches, carpal tunnel sydrome or an ulcer.)


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