Yesterday, Ami took me to the opening of a new Mercedes dealership in San Jose.

I have never otherwise set foot into a Mercedes dealership, not being a millionaire and all. Man, this place was swank though, it had two floors, and there were dozens of these little offices with the dealers' names embossed on the glass doorways. There were various earth-toned vases and reed baskets stuck on pedastels and hidden in little nooks and crannies. I guess when you're selling $100,000 cars you can fford to look more upscale.

The event was pretty swank as well. Ami and I got somewhat gussied up for the event. Ami had brand new shoes, which unfortunately she had to slog through a quarter-mile of dusty gutter since there wasn't enough parking and we had to park along a section of the Capitol Expressway which featured no sidewalks. Even though we had used my mom's invite to the event and were prepared to give fake names and everything, no one bothered to check invites. It appeared to be open to the public, which was surprising considering the amount of effort they had obviously put into it.

It was like ghetto swank, since all the help was wearing tuxedos, and the people there were a mix of people who had invites and people who just noticed a big to-do going on. There was an open bar which was made entirely of ice, I kid you not, and which also did not card us. The gin martinis tasted like olive juice pee, but Ami assured me that they were actually good. I hate martinis, but the bartender was cool, and free liquor is always welcome, even if it is in gross, nasty martini form. They made cosmos, too, but the cosmo had a significantly lower alcohol content. We also snagged some free pasta and bread.

I still can't imagine how I could ever, in any realm of possibility ever consider purchasing a Mercedes. Although they had a really cool opening event with riverdancers and stilk-walkers and meandering card-trick performers and a string quartet and free alchohol, there isn't enough free alcohol in the world to make me consider buying, as one attendee did, a $117,000 sports car which gets 14 miles to the gallon. No that is not a typo. For some reason, every Mercedes on the lot got the shittiest MPG rating I have seen in a long time. SUVs, sports cars, and sedans, none got over 30 MPG tops, and most got less than 20. I drive a 22-year-ols station wagon that gets better mileage than their zippiest sports car. The estimated annual fuel cost on that thing was $2000, and for $2000, I could buy a car that got a better gas rating. To spend that much money on buying and maintaining a car, it would have to have genuine manatee leather seats, a hot tub, and complimentary on-call roadside blowjobs, none of which any of these cars had.

Still, if the average American millionaire becomes more energy conscious and Mercedes goes out of business, their abandoned dealerships will make really hip studio apartment complexes, or great villian secret hideouts. Though I hope they don't come onto financial hard times, because I want to attend more dealership openings.


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